I Fall Apart

Nora

Later on, I got a text message from Steve, Mom's husband.  I hadn't heard from him really since the funeral, which was fine.  I'd never been overly fond of him.  He asked if my dad had told me about Shannon contacting me.  Apparently she was checking in.  She'd be around for a week.

I told him that he had, and thanks for checking in.  I also mentioned I wasn't sure yet if I wanted to contact her.  My heart was saying I should get in touch, but my brain was telling me to stay away.

That night, I missed my mom.  Shannon's appearance had got me thinking a lot about her again.  I thought about her every day, but I wondered what she would think I should do.  She'd probably tell me to talk to her sister, but maybe they weren't close for a reason.  Maybe Aunt Shannon was more of a mess than she was.

In a moment of weakness and loneliness, I pulled Aunt Shannon's phone number out of my bedside drawer.

Aunt Shannon?  This is Nora.

Nora!  I'm so glad you got in touch with me.  How are you?

I'm fine thanks.  Steve said you're in town for a week?

Yes.  Here on business.  Want to meet for coffee tomorrow after school?

Here on business.  Interesting.  So she was gainfully employed.  She must not work a minimum wage job, so that was a good sign.  I agreed and named a coffee shop near my school where we could meet.  Afterwards, I was able to actually focus on my homework.  Dad came in to say good night to me a while later.  I thought about telling him I was meeting Aunt Shannon, but for some reason I thought he might be disappointed in my decision.  I decided to keep it to myself.

After school the next day, I nervously made my way to the coffee shop.  Aunt Shannon was already there, working on her laptop, glasses on.  When she saw me walk in, she smiled and stood up to hug me.  I'm not gonna lie - it felt good.  It was the closest thing to my mother I could get.

"Nora, you look so good!" She told me, stepping back to take a look at me.  "You look so much like your mother."

"Thanks," I said, assuming she didn't mean when she was on drugs.  She offered to buy me a drink and I let her.  No need to spend my allowance money if I didn't need to.  As we were waiting in line, I checked out her outfit.  It seemed to be a good quality, and she looked well put together.  She wore make-up and her hair was pulled up in a twist.

"So where do you go to school?"

"I go to Hunter," I told her.  "It's a gifted program."

She raised her eyebrows, impressed.  "That's great.  Do you like it?"

"It's school," I told her.  I ordered a french vanilla latte and a scone, then we settled down in a little booth.

"So you're probably wondering why you hardly ever heard from me," she began.  I nodded, glad she was being up front.  "Well, your mom and I were pretty close growing up.  Into our 20's really, but when she started getting into drugs and alcohol, we drifted apart.  I didn't approve of her lifestyle, especially of the way she was raising you."

"Did you always live in Chicago?"

"Since my early 20's," she told me.

"What kind of work do you do?"

"Human resources," she said.  "I'm here for a conference."

"So, do you have a degree and everything?"

"Yes," she said.  "Bachelor's from NYU.  Are you planning on going to college?"

"Probably," I said, though I wasn't sure if I wanted to go.  Dad pretty much insisted I go, but we both know he couldn't force me to do anything I didn't want to do.  "I don't know where I'd go or what I'd study."

"You've still got time.  What are you, a sophomore?"

"Yes," I said.

"How long have you lived with your dad?"

"Since I was thirteen.  Mom got arrested, which is when I found out about him.  Did you know him?"

"No," she said.  "Your mom and I already weren't talking that much.  I actually tried to convince her to give you up for adoption, but she refused."

I let that sink in.  What would my life have been like if I'd been adopted by some random family?  My childhood probably would have been a lot easier, but Dad never would have found out about me.  How sad would that be?  I decided I was glad I hadn't been given up for adoption.

"Do you have kids?"

She paused for a moment.  "No," she said.  "I found out I'm not able.  My husband and I have been thinking about adoption.  If I'd known I couldn't have children when you were born, I probably would have offered to raise you.  That would've given you some stability."

So, she thought she'd be a good parent.  I wondered if she'd lived close by if she'd be able to keep my mom on a better path.  Would we have been close?

We chatted a little more about this and that.  She seemed nice enough, and definitely seemed to have her life together, unlike my mother had.  It was interesting to me how they came from the same family but had turned out so differently.  Somehow I'd gotten stuck with the hot mess.

It was close to 5:00 when I told her I needed to go home.  We stood up and she hugged me warmly again.

"Could we get together again before I leave?" she asked.  "We could go out to dinner with your dad if you think he'd be interested."

"I don't know about that," I said honestly.  I wanted to keep Aunt Shannon a secret for now.  "But I'd love to meet for coffee again."

We made plans to meet two days from now.  I felt excited about seeing her again before catching the subway back home.  My night shouldn't be so jam-packed with homework tonight.  I was caught up from my sick days.

Vanessa was making dinner when I walked in.  "Hey, girl," she greeted me.

"Hi, V," I told her, heading back to my room to put my backpack away.  I changed into some comfy clothes and headed back to the living room to be with the family.  "Where's Dad?"

"He has some late meetings," she said.  "He won't be home til late."

At least I knew he wouldn't be asking me where I'd been.  Not that he didn't trust me; he just liked to know what I was up to.  After V and I had put the boys to bed, we had some time for some girl talk on the couch.  She asked me how things were with Aaron.

"He was being a douche," I told him.  "He called me a tease in the hallway, but I pushed him."

"Nora," she gently chided me, but I could see she was trying not to laugh.

"He hasn't messed with me since," I pointed out.  Vanessa said she was proud of me for handling the break up so well.  We curled up and watched some trashy reality TV.  I laid my head on her lap and fell asleep.

I woke up to hear her and Dad softly talking, but I didn't feel like exerting any energy to move or let them know I was awake.  A few moments later, I felt Dad pick me up.  I was 15, but I still loved being carried to bed.  I'd missed it as a little kid.

Dad pulled back the covers and set me down, and I opened my eyes and smiled at him softly.

"You are awake," he observed, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Barely," I told him as he rubbed my arm.

"We'll talk more tomorrow," he told me.  "I'll be home at a decent time.  You get some sleep."

I settled in as he pulled the covers up and kissed me on the temple.  I never got tired of that.