Tilly,
I thought about you today. And yesterday. And last week. Do you think about me as much as I think about you? I hope you do- but don't dwell too much on my feelings. Pretend that we're still living in perfection, the way we were before.
I like to remember a lot. I like to lay on my bed and plug in my headphones to the special, private Spotify playlist we made together and think back to every loveable moment of our friendship.
Do you remember that time in Italy when you woke me up at half past 7 to go to that cute little cafe you saw when we were sightseeing? I remember. We sat close on the soft, worn couch in the shop even though the place was basically empty and listening to the quiet, voiceless music being played and absorbed each other. We sat there, knees and hands brushing as we cuddled in our own little bubble, occupied with coffee breaths mingling together and your beautiful laugh filling our rare silences and making me feel all those emotions welling in my chest like the scalding drinks in my stomach, the "I love you" burning in my mouth but never being released.
Did you know that I love you? I do. iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou. I wish I had said it when you could hear me, when you might have surprised me with a spontaneous kiss that told me all I needed to know, or broken my heart and left. Now to compensate, I say it all the time. I mumble it when I walk on the path at home which we once walked, and I whisper it at 4 a.m. when hot tears hiss down my skin.
I visualize you in my dreams sometimes, Tilly. You always run away from me, and slip from my grasp when I reach out to you. Why do you do that, Tyler? I need you. Stay with me.
I want to see you again. I want to run my hand through your fluffy hair that would probably be dyed another crazy pastel color that only you could work. I want to make you laugh that bright, bubbly laugh that could only bring an undeniable pull at my stomach and a painfully large grin to my face. I want to hear your voice that rang like a bell through my consciousness and pulled me towards you in any social setting. I want to catch the gaze of your beautiful, cerulean blue gaze in a boring as hell business meeting and make entertaining, hilarious faces at each other to cheer each other up.
I miss you, I love you. You're my world. Have fun in Heaven, I know you'll find some way to make it entirely you, you always do. I'll see you soon, Tilly.
Love, TimTam
.............
So this one was pretty sad and depressing, sorry about that. i got the inspiration for it about 2 hours ago to be honest, at 2 a.m. i was at a sleepover with my best friend that I hadn't seen in almost three weeks, and she had fallen asleep next to me. I wasn't at all tired, so I just watched whatever was coming on the TV, when this old episode of Glee came on. It was the one after Cory Monteith died, where they sang all those super sad songs in his memory and talked about what a great person he was. I don't even really watch the show anymore, but I was still crying super hard. it's not unedited for something I wrote in the span of a couple hours, @aaamos read it again (the one occasion that time zones EVER come in handy) and my best friend read it too, and she said she loved it. I didn't tell her what had spurred me to write it.
Anyways loves, I hope you liked it and I hope that I didn't fatally wound any of you from the pain. I don't even know if my writing is good enough to make you feel pain. Is it? I hope I don't make you feel pain.
Anyways, she's tugging on my arm for me to go back to bed (it is 4:30 in the morning, after all) so I better go. see you later, squish nuggets!
-Elle xx
