Hey guys! I was diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar disorder II 5 months ago and I had planned to pen down my thoughts on my experiences and stuff a looong time ago but I never really had the spare time.This happened when I had surgery for my dislocated plus fractured kneecap that happened during February this year but the doctor discovered that I needed surgery 2 months after the accident( I was utterly pissed at that fact!!) So during the operation, the doctors found my secret cuts that were on my tighs and wrists. So a psychiatrist was brought in to "investigate" the cuts and so I begin taking fluvoxamine maleate 50mg tablets or antidepressants since the 11th of April this year so I'm going about 5 months now.. I don't really know how I felt about it at first, but this is just gonna be like some kind of a testification or overview i guess? I dunno.
The doctor told me the effects wouldn't take a toll on me after a week or so, plus there are some "side-effects" to the medication like nausea blah blah blah (look it up) but luckily for me, it went well enough. So I had to stay in the hospital for a week while on medication.. I had to take one tablet every night before bed (i was on 3 other prescribed medication also). The first few months was the scariest, most frantic moments of my life.. That period of time consists mostly of ups and downs at an abnormal rate (also one of the "side- effects" of the medication). Suicidal thoughts and tendencies were at the peak and I honestly thought that I was definately gonna kill myself before school starts after the June holidays. I honestly honestly never even expected to be alive till this very day.. which I am surprisingly pleased!! Its crazy because I wrote letters to everyone and bid my goodbyes to all my friends and I was a 100% certain that I was finally gonna do it, you know, the thing that I had always been talking about..I was gonna end it all.
Okay, so honestly from there, I do not know how to go on. I mean it was freaky weird.. Like, the thoughts had all stopped completely and abruptly. Last night I was thinking, "Okay so I've got the rope and the knife.. I'm gonna lock myself in the room when they're all out of the house.. and then I'm finally gonna do it." That was it. The next day, gone. I didn't know what had caused my abrupt enlightenment but for now, I am quite contented.. Maybe it's part of the "rollercoaster ride"? This is the part where I'd be like super happy for like a few weeks and then plunge from 50km above ground into concrete. I don't know, I guess there is no proper cure for depression other than a shotgun to the head? I don't want to lose hope though, because I want to be somebody in the future and I want to do things like publish my own book and learn how to play the guitar and listen to the Smashing Pumpkins vinyl on a gramophone and hold hands with boys or girls and cuddle with a cute person and marry someone nice and have my own kids, you know? I haven't had these kinds of wonderful thoughts for a damnnnnn long time and I feel.. I feel infinite..
Stay strong, Natasha!
