we're not fated, are we?|tracob

Guess i'm not sober anymore

i eye jacob a glare, and he definitely sees me doing so because i can see fear leap into his eyes.

"just be aware that in this group, fear will come in many forms and sizes, so you'll have to adapt to it."

"HARI!"

jacob yells, he sounds jokingly annoyed.

"be nice to troye,"

jacob huffs out, eying me and then her, as though he's trying to be protective in a friend way.

"of course,"

suddenly everyone's silent, which makes me nervously swallow and eventually i figure it's my turn to return the greeting to Hari.

"Hello hari, it's nice to meet you too. i-i think you're very nice and i'll have you know, i'm not that fearful!"

everyone chuckles out a laugh.

Then suddenly Hari glances at jacob with a devilish grin,

"you know, jacob just enjoys filling in information when it's something that already applies to him, he likes finding people who have fears like him because he hopes he can get away with being as wimpy as he is."

"HEY!"

jacob glares at hari playfully and then throws a pencil at her, he must've grabbed the pencil from a clipboard with the lists of drinks written down because i don't know how else he could've found a pencil.

"jacobs just embarrassed because he didn't want you to know his secret."

I can suddenly feel the tension between Jacob and Hari and i stumble from situations in my mind of what could happen next, instead of me continuing on or possibly introducing myself to his two other friends, i simply say the last thing i'd ever say.

"Anybody want some drinks?"

Jacob gives me a shocked look, he must know some part of me well, to know that this is the last thing i'd ever ask or offer.

"Oh boy do i!!

Hari quickly grabs a wine bottle and pops the cap open, already taking a sip of it, as though she didn't even give herself a second to breathe.

is wine that good?

"Sure! i'll go get two bottles in the back, i prefer my favourites"

i'm assuming that was jacobs friend jed, he has somewhat of a similar personality to jacob but they could pass off as polar opposites.

"I'll just be having a wee bit, wouldn't want to get too boozed up in one night."

and i'm guessing that was Dua, possibly the coolest person in the entire bar, someone who normally would never be my friend if i didn't know jacob, people like that just don't  enjoy hanging around people like me, i guess.

"So—troye, are you gonna take a sip?"

"Oh um—"

"No, he isn't. i don't want him drinking tonight."

Jacob interrupts before i can finish my sentence. I suppose he's trying to look out for me, guess he knows this group of mates more than i do.

—

The night continues on and jacobs friends decide to choose the music since that's the luxury of working at a bar, i suppose.

Within seconds they've got up and started dancing on the dance floor and have completely zoned out of the here and now, i'm starting to feel a little blue because i think jacob is starting to zone out too.

"hey guys,"

i word out, partially a bit quietly feeling my heart sink into my chest when no one responds.

I decide to simply walk to the washroom to pat some water on my face, to wake me up a bit from this gloomy feeling in my chest. I'd rather be doing something to pass time, than feeling sad over being forgotten and left out.

As i make my way to the washroom, no one notices, which hurts a lot, it's like they hadn't even remembered i was there to begin with.

I feel my heart sink into a pool of water, as i close my eyes and slowly touch my hands on my face with the cool water from the sink. This night has become dreadful and i've become alone, once again. Always being the innocent kid.

Suddenly, my mind clicks.

The innocent kid.

I am always the innocent kid, this is why i am sad, this is why i feel like no one cares about me, this is why i am heartbroken inside and why i'm never "cool" enough to hang with everyone else.

An idea suddenly comes to mind and i am almost determined to fulfill it, but i promise myself that it will only happen if i am ignored again as i walk back into the bar.

As planned, within a few minutes after washing my face, i walk back into the bar. Full eye contact on Jacob and his lads, and i stand there for a solid ten minutes, not being noticed, not hearing a single one of them wonder where i had gone, not even jacob.

And so then, i do as promised, the last thing on earth i'd ever picture myself doing.

I drink.

I walk over to a table of wine, and i fill up a cup and start chugging down as much as i can.

I continue to drink and drink and drink and drink.

I drink until i've finished about two full bottles and within seconds later after that i-

i can't see, why are there black dots? the room is v-veryyyy spinny w-what's happening??

i slowly walk crookedly trying to follow the tiny ounce of light that still is in my view, but i feel the room spinning and i feel myself losing all consciousness.

within seconds after, i black out, not seeing anything that continues on after that, i am unconscious.