Wanderlust (Kellic)

Chapter 10

I don’t respond at first, mostly because my conscience is now going on a long rant: Don’t think like that, Kell. That hand job he gave you the other night? It was just a hand job. All those kisses? They were just kisses, and they’re the last ones you’ll ever get from him. Remember that.

"Uh, yeah," I say, taking the clue from him and opening it up. "Let’s see what’s next."

Yorktown Center. Victoria’s Secret. One of the mannequins knows where the clue is.

Damn it, Bree.

—

Yorktown Center is a mall west of Chicago, apparently. We head there immediately after putting the gay sex book back in its proper place (and receiving many more weird looks). Despite the humiliation that is most likely about to ensue, Vic is cheerful as we make our way through the mall to Victoria’s Secret. I think he even flirts with me a little bit, but I’m not paying much attention anymore. I’ve decided to turn off those feelings and pretend I don’t care. It’s hard, but I think I’m doing a pretty good job of it. It’s even harder because Vic seems to realize what I’m doing, causing the cheeriness to fade away a little.

I’m sorry, Vic, I think. But I can’t handle the pain you’re going to cause me.

Sure enough, the second we walk into the store, everyone looks up and sees us. No doubt they’re all thinking we’re perverts or just wondering what the hell we’re doing in here.

"We, uh, we lost a bet," I lie quickly. Vic catches on and nods sheepishly in agreement.

Now their gazes are mostly filled with amusement, though they still keep a close eye on us.

Vic and I exchange glances. “Split up again?” he says.

I nod, and then we’re off, going around and searching all the mannequins dressed up in fancy lingerie. I’m guessing that the clue is in the clothes that they’re wearing, and I try to be as inconspicuous as possible about checking them.

"Find anything?" Vic asks, passing me as I make my way to the back of the store. I’m about to shake my head when I notice one of the mannequins a few feet in front of me. Sticking out of the black lace underwear displayed on it, just barely peeking out from the fabric, is a small slip of paper.

"Yeah, right there," I reply, reaching forward and grabbing it. I turn around and find that almost everyone in the store is staring at us again (or maybe they never stopped).

"Don’t ask what that is," Vic says, about the clue. He points to me. "His ex is ruthless. We’ll get out now."

As I stated before, I’ve been in many awkward situations. However, I must say that the next five seconds, of us speed-walking out of Victoria’s Secret, have to go somewhere in my top ten list of most awkward situations.

Vic and I both let out a breath of relief once we’re away from it. “Well, at least it was quick,” Vic says.

"Yeah, thank God," I agree, unfolding the paper. "Well, here we go again."

Be a scientist. Ride a roller coaster.
Song: Pittsburgh - The Amity Affliction

Vic makes a face. “So I guess we’re headed to Pittsburgh now.”

—

"Kellin, I demand that you provide an explanation for the other day’s conversation."

I don’t have to ask what Matty means. I know exactly what he means. He means what I said about falling in love with Vic.

"Not right now, Matty," I tell him. I’m sitting in the passenger seat as Vic drives us to Pittsburgh. If I talk about it, he’d hear every word I say.

"What? Dude, you can’t just leave me hanging like that!"

"Well, I am," I say, my words coming out colder than I expected them to. "For now. Maybe later."

"Okay, fine. But I will get an explanation, Kellin Quinn!”

I laugh a little. In all honesty, I don’t know when I’m going to talk to him about this whole thing, if ever. I’ve already decided that it doesn’t matter, that I’m going to shut it away. I don’t want to talk about it. It’ll just make me crave Vic more.

After I’m done chatting with Matty and hang up, I don’t really say much, and Vic doesn’t, either. I don’t know what he’s thinking about, but I don’t really want to know. I just hope it’s not me.

At the same time, though, I hope it is.

But that hope needs to be pushed down, disposed of, destroyed. It’s for my own good. Vic will not get the best of me. I won’t let him.

For most of the drive, we sit in an awkward silence that I try to make less awkward by playing games on my phone to pass the time. Then, at around eight or nine, as Vic suddenly pulls over to the side of the road, tossing his cigarette out the window, he says, “Okay, I can’t keep this in anymore.”

I think I have an idea of what “this” is. Still, I ask anyways: “Keep what in?”

Vic sighs and turns to face me. “Kellin, I know you’ve probably already figured this out already—because, I mean, you’re not stupid—but I like you. A lot. And that’s, um…” He glances down at his lap, brushing a few strands of hair away from his face. “That’s been causing some problems for me.”

I nod. “I, um…I’ve noticed.”

He bites his lip. “Kellin,” he says slowly, “do you remember what I said the night that I found out my parents were getting divorced? How I said that nothing good ever comes from love? That nothing ever lasts?”

I nod again. He and I seem to share a similar view on these things.

"Well, that’s because…Craig, he—"

"You don’t have to tell me about him," I interrupt, hearing the automatic cracking of his voice at Craig’s name.

"It wasn’t just him, though," Vic continues. "It was everyone. Every single fucking one of them. I let them all in, and every time I thought that maybe this one would be different. But they never were. And I’m terrified, Kell. I want you to be different. But I don’t want to get my hopes up.”

I almost cry for him right there, because he sounds so angry and desperate and upset. “Vic…”

"I act before I think, too," he adds. "So I’ll kiss you, and then I’ll remember that that’s not a good idea, and then I’ll shut you out and try to push you away, and I know that it might hurt you, but I can’t seem to stop doing it—"

"Vic," I interrupt again.

He looks up at me. “Yeah?”

"I understand," I say softly, and I mean it. "I understand that fear. I understand what it feels like to try to shut out someone you wish you didn’t have feelings for. I’m…I’m terrified, too."

There. I’ve said it.

Vic reaches a hand out and rests it on mine. “You don’t have to be afraid of me,” he whispers, leaning forward. “I’d never leave you if you didn’t want me to.”

That phrase makes me think about that night he mentioned, about the scene in the taxi, where I told him I’d never leave him. I wonder if he remembers me saying that.

Then I think of pulling away from him, of ending this conversation and moving on with my life still trying to ignore him. But I’ll admit it now: I don’t want to. I don’t want to push him away.

So I don’t.

"Can we maybe…start over?" I ask. "Let go of what’s been holding us back?"

Vic smiles a little. “Easier said than done. But yes. I’d love to.”

With that, he leans in closer and kisses me like it’s the first time. His lips taste like cigarette smoke, but that doesn’t bother me. I’m used to smoke-stained lips.

So, without hesitation, I kiss him back and let everything else go.