It's always been Dema. I don't remember there being a beginning of my life here, but I don't really think I came from here. It really doesn't matter, because I'm here now. It's actually rather nice here. There's structure and order. -c-o-n-t-r-o-l...
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For the nighttime meal, I try to pay attention to the conversations around me. Maybe then I will find myself able to join in. However, the more I focus on the conversations, the more isolated I feel. Why am I unable to even remotely relate to what they are talking about? I must be sitting with the wrong people. Not everyone is like everyone else.
When it's time for the Assembly, I find a new group of people. As we walk to the center of Dema, I listen to their conversations. They talk about other things, but it still sounds the same... almost meaningless. We listen to Sacarver speak in the Assembly. He talks about the unity and peace of Dema, and the importance of playing your part in the function of our community. He condones Nico and his sector for their excellent production of late, and chastises Lisden for its dwindling contribution to Dema. Those in Keons' region start to look uneasy. Lisden's region is located adjacent to ours, and we don't want their disgraceful behavior to spread to our people. No doubt Keons will speak to us about how to prevent the conduct of others from influencing our own.
I listen to the conversation between a few people around me. "Sacarver is a great speaker, but I do think the sermon Keons gave two days ago was better."
Someone else speaks up. "I agree. Keons has a way of speaking that grabs your attention. The rest of the world fades away, and all you can think about is his words."
"It's entrancing." Many nod their heads in approval, but I don't. For whatever reason, I can't recall what it's like to hear Keons speak. I have heard the commands he gives as he directs us, but I have no memory of the sermon he allegedly gave two days ago, nor any other sermon he has given.
Come to think of it, can I even recall any sermon delivered by the Bishops? The more I try to remember, the more the answer eludes me. I cannot remember. Is this a result of having been smeared? How long ago was I smeared? How long ago had I rebelled? I know I have been here for nine years...but why am I unable to remember anything specific from any of that time? Was it all really erased by this smear on my neck? Why would the entirety of nine years need to be erased, and why don't I feel like I've really forgotten anything? If I've forgotten everything, why do I know so much about Dema and Keons and the Bishops? How can I feel safe here if I don't remember why?
The doubts from earlier today once again invade my mind. Why was I able to dismiss them so easily? Because I trusted how I felt about this place? But what evidence do I have to go on that Dema is truly what it appears to be? How do I know Dema is truly what I think it is?
The people are content. There's structure and order. We are unified and equal. We live in peace. Dema is a haven. The only thing wrong is that I cannot remember what I did wrong. Is there a chance of me doing it again? No. Because as a result of getting smeared, I have been reminded only of why Dema is not a place that needs to be rebelled against. It all makes sense once I think about it.
Once again, I find myself content with the answers I have reached.
