Unchanged (Wednesday Or Thursday Updates)

Part 6

The car ride was.... Awkward. Luke tried to get me to talk a couple times, but with North just grunting and me not feeling comfortable.... The conversation fell flat. By the first stop sign Luke stopped trying, but the second the silence got awkward, and by the time we hit the diner.... Even I was antsy and ready to be out of the freaking claustrophobic tense trap of a car. North wasn't much better, shutting it off and shoving out the door, slamming it shut and storming into the diner without a word-just a grunt in Luke's direction that could be interpreted as literally anything. I got out and waited for Luke, thanking him for the ride and receiving a small smile in welcome before taking my leave.

There was a trail system that wound around our cole-de-sac I'd had a chance to explore briefly, and knew there was almost a straight shot from here to home. Well, the house I was supposed to call home.... They said that home was where the heart is, but I didn't know where my heart was anymore.... Was it there, in that hellhole of a house? Shouldn't I love my mother, not hate her? Shouldn't I want to go home, to be there, and have it be my safe zone? But it wasn't. It was a house I was forced to dwell in. And that was it.

The closer I got, the heavier my heart became. The more hollow yet weighted I felt. The more my shoulders drooped, no matter how much I fought to keep them up and back. I struggled to stay positive, to think about school in the morning, to know that everything was going to be all right.... But all I could think about was this evening. Would she stay in bed? Would she call for me? Had she called for me already? Was she waiting for me with a punishment prepared? What had Marie told her of today? Would I survive until tomorrow? Would father come home and put a stop to whatever she was doing, or would he let it continue? Or was he gone on another trip and leaving me at her mercy? Each question was an added weight to the one in my stomach. My ribs ached, my bruises protested the trek with my back pack on.... I just wanted it to be over. I was eighteen, the end was in sight, but if I blacked out hit my head and died right now? I'd welcome it. I wouldn't draw the blade on myself, but if it happened.... I wouldn't be opposed. I couldn't keep doing this day in and day out-sarcastic and fun Sang at school, depressed and dragging bad can-never-do-anything-right Sang at home.... I hated the two sides of me. I wished I could find genuine happiness..... Was it to much to be asked, wanting to be safe and loved? I knew it could be worse. I could be raped. I could be truly beaten. I was just punished harshly and yelled at.... Was it deserved though? Had I done something when I was little that made this necessary? What had happened to make Mother this way? I knew that when I was younger that Marie had been her favorite, but the punishments hadn't started until I was around 8 or so.... Second grade, so maybe 7, around the time Gabriel and I started going at it. Well we'd been going at it off and on for a while, but it was the first year we really went at it-and stayed at it, the year before he left.... I'd come home happy, cheerful, and she'd asked me what I'd done to deserve that smile.... I'd been to young and naive.....

"Sang, why are you skipping in this house? Your feet belong on the ground! What is wrong with you?!" Momma yelled it at me as I came through the door, humming and skipping my way over to her. Her face was pale, her lips tight together. She was always happy when Marie told her about the friends she made, maybe she'd be happy if I told her about mine?

"Momma, I met the most wonderful colorful boy today! He's such a big meanie, but we had fun-"

"I have tried. I have trained you and kept you with me for years. Your father lied, he didn't tell me you were HERS! And your whorish ways are already showing!" She started screaming things that I didn't understand, going on and on about Daddy and how he'd done something horribly wrong and how could he bring me into this house.... But I didn't understand.