One day I was like "fuck it lets move house". I got sick of the current shit hole appartment and decided to buy a house and be in debt for the rest of my life.
I moved into this shitty blue cottage. On our street the houses were coloured in order of the rainbow. In house number 1 (the red house) there was a sweet old lady who used way to much blush. In the orange house there was donald trump. In the yellow house there was an asian. In the green house was a big, hairy, disgusting green ogre. He had a fucking swamp in his backyard. I had to be neighbors with that lil shit.
I moved my stuff in and it was fine the first few nights. I made friends with the purple house neibors. It was that purple teletubby and its family. The were over the top fucking kind to me and I enjoyed their company. On the 2nd night I went to that ogres swamp to smoke some marijuana. I sat there for a while high until I started to make out a figure in the distance. It was him. It was the ogre. I ran. He scowled at me and didn't say a word. I didn't think much of it and didn't think he would think much of it either. Well I thought wrong.
On my 6th night I woke up from a loud bang. I sat up. I saw a big green figure running past the window. I was shooketh. I knew that ogre was a fucking creepy cunt. I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. I sat there rocking back and forwards. I was such a fucking pussy back then.
After a few nights I managed to sleep better. On the 9th night I was back to normal assuming I must of imagined it. That night I woke up to the noice of a lawnmower. At least thats what I thought. I go up to the window and peak out of it. That was a really fucking dumb idea. The fucking ogre jumps up carrying a chain saw. I screamed like a fucking girl. I threw myself against the back wall. He does some creepy wave and then uses the chainsaw to smash the fucking window. As he starts to climb through I see that he's fucking naked. He has a major boner. He drops the chainsaw and comes towards me. He says "Welcome to the neiborhood I'm your friendly ogre, Shrek". I scream with my pitchy voice "get the fuck away from me you psychotic faggot". I think that made him 1000x angrier and 1000x hornier. The rest was a blur but I think you can imagine what happened.
Long story short don't go near Shrek's swamp or you will get stalked and raped by the man himself.
The End.
