it's always ourselves that we find in the sea || jensoo

Chapter 32

I want you to go.

Jisoo startled slightly at the sound of her own voice echoing in her mind, and she frowned. When had that been? Trying to comb back through her memories, she came up empty, but the disturbing thought that something was amiss just kept growing. And then there was Jennie's voice, loud and frantic, and Jisoo caught snatches of hands shaking her slightly in the freezing cold. It had been raining. They had been outside and she'd been so wet and miserable, and Jennie had been angry. Jisoo suspected that she might've been angry too.

Are you crazy?

A small sound of surprise fell from her lips, and Jisoo's face crumpled slightly. Had they been arguing? Things were so blurry that she couldn't be sure what it was about. She must've been in hospital because her thoughts were so muddled that the only explanation was painkillers. But even with the hazy uncertainty, she kept digging, sifting through flashes of memories, grasping at them like she was trying to hold the ocean in her hands. Another memory hit of her surrounded by an icy coldness, grasping at nothingness while feeling surrounded by something . She'd been in the sea. It was a startling realisation - Jisoo never went swimming, she wasn't very good at it - and she sucked in a lungful of air, holding her breath on reflex at the sudden feeling of being underwater. She had felt the weight of the ocean bearing down on her, stealing the breath from her lungs until she was screaming and her mouth was filled with the bitter saltiness of the seawater, and even though she couldn't see, she had the distinct feeling of darkness. She was sure that if she could've seen, darkness would've shrouded everything, and in involuntary shiver ran through her, setting off a coughing fit as her body jerked involuntarily.

Whispered voices caught her attention and Jisoo struggled to focus, a spark of hope welling up inside. "Jennie?"

"Oh, she's awake," a voice murmured.

Footsteps came closer, and the sound of a pen scribbling on a clipboard joined in the steady sound of beeping, while more voices murmured in the background. Jisoo felt tired, and she was barely clinging to consciousness, the tranquil effects of the drugs helping her drift in a sea of calm, her mind feeling disconnected from her body. With grim humour, she realised she'd felt this way before. She'd been thirteen then, and she'd woken up to nothing then too, her mind groggy and the swirling vortex of colours where the layout of the room should've been. They'd had to restrain her then because she wouldn't stop thrashing around; they thought she was going to hurt herself, but nothing she could've done to herself in the narrow hospital bed would've been worse than what the surgeon had done to her with the laser eye surgery. She hadn't been in hospital since then, and despite the sedation making her feel calm, she couldn't help but have the same ominous feeling that something was wrong.

"Jisoo?" a questioning voice interrupted her musings.

"Mm?"

She didn't recognise the voice, but it rang with authority and she dimly acknowledged the fact that it must be her doctor. The man had a pleasant voice, deep and steady, and she felt her leaden eyes close again, listening to him talk. "Do you know where you are?"

Frowning, Jisoo let her head roll to one side as she hummed. "Hospital."

"Very good," the man, "and what day is it?"

She thought hard for a few moments, before letting out an exasperated sigh, weakly shaking her head. It felt as if she hadn't moved in an eternity, and her body was so heavy that she would've believed that it had turned to stone as she lay in bed. It was a strange feeling, to be so weighed down and disconnected from it at the same time.