Somnium Part II: Memory

Chapter 6 Frustration

Summer break continued on. My family booked a vacation with just my parents and my brother. They lied to him, saying that I was sick and had to stay with the Forrests. I was angry, and I told Susan all about it. In the end, I was actually happy they did that, because I got to stay with Susan for a few days, not having to see my cruel family.

"Wake up Edward. It's morning."
I rose up and wiped my tired eyes. Susan had brought me breakfast. She was smiling at me, and I realized her hand was on my head. She caressed my hair, and giggled at my sleepy face. I thanked her for making breakfast for me, and ate it up.
I stared up at Susan, sitting in front of me while I lied on my back. She kept running her fingers through my hair, humming a song that I had never heard, yet was somehow familiar. She eventually sang out the last lyrics.
"...In other words, I love you~"
She moved closer, and kissed my forehead. I put my hand to my forehead, then brought them down to my lower lip. Susan lied down next to me, and pulled me close to her. She moved to a position so she was to my left, but a little above me. She lowered her lips down to mine, and we kissed passionately. What a way to start a morning, I thought.
As we kissed, she slid her hands slowly around my arms and my chest. I rubbed my hands on her back, and brought her down closer to me. I was being reckless. I didn't think about how this level of passion would make her feel. I opened my mouth to speak up, but when I did she kissed my tongue. She opened her eyes, and stared with her eyes half closed. My mouth was still open, and she used this moment to put her tongue in my mouth.
Now the stimulation was overwhelming me. My brain just about shut off, and I was kissing her with my tongue too. It felt different from regular kissing. Slimier, but warmer. I felt closer to Susan than ever before. It was when I heard a few unbuttoning sounds that I came back to my senses.
"Woah, what are you doing?"
"My body's getting hot, I was gonna take my shirt off." Susan cocked her head. "Is that bad?"
"Yes it's bad! I'd be able to see your boobs if you took off your shirt!"
"What's wrong with that? You've never seen them before, and some part of me wants you to see them. My heart pounds when I think of showing you them, and then it pounds harder when I think about you touching them..."
"I love hearing about your feelings, but I do not need to see your boobs right now!"
"Why not?" She thought for a moment, then came to a conclusion. "I think I get it. Edward, are you afraid of boobs?" That has to be the dumbest question someone could ask a guy.
"No, I'm not afraid of them. I'm just not prepared to see them, that's all."
"When do you think you'll be ready?"
"I don't know. A couple years, maybe? When we have our own place, for sure."
Susan stared at me blankly, almost disappointed. "Edward, it's okay to be honest with your feelings. I understand, everyone is afraid of something. Since you're afraid of breasts, I can help you overcome that fear."
"I'm not afraid of them."
"It's okay Edward. I have a fear too. Want to hear it?"
"What are you afraid of?"
"I'm afraid of cats."
"Really? Why? I mean, I don't particularly like cats, but I'm not afraid of them."
"Because a neighborhood cat scratched me when I was little. Cats are evil, they want to hurt people with their claws!"
"That's an okay reason to be afraid of cats. But what reason could I possibly have to be afraid of a woman's breasts?"
"Well, what is your reason?"
"I don't have one, because I'm not afraid of them."
"Edward, I told you my story, why can't you admit your fear?"
"I'm not afraid of breasts! See?" I made a huge mistake that morning. In my frustration, I put my hand on one of her breasts. Luckily, her shirt was still on, so I didn't touch her skin. But...still...
"Edward, I'm so happy."
"Wha-huh!?"
"You overcame your fear! I'm proud of you!"
"...Yeah. I overcame my fear. I love breasts now."
"Um, it would make me happier if you told me you only love my breasts."
"Of course. I love your breasts, Susan. No one else's. Your perfect C-cups." I said all this idiotic stuff by instinct. I just let words fall out of my mouth.
"Could you...touch them again?"
"Seriously?" I thought I was finally gonna get a break.
"It felt really good when you touched it. I wanna experience it again, until I know what the feeling is."
"Let's do that later, okay? Maybe tonight or something." I was hoping she'd just forget by then.
"Do you mean you want to wait until we're alone? You don't have to worry, my parents are at work right now." She's talking like she's in a bad smutty teen novel. I've read a few of those, and I don't like where they go from here...
"I just meant that I'm not in the mood for that kind of thing right now."
"But, we were just kissing so much."
"Yeah, but then we started talking about fear. Not the sexiest topic in my opinion. All my lust died out then, so let's wait for another time."
"Okay, if you don't want to, we don't have to. What do you want, Edward?"
"Let's just relax all day together. Doesn't that sound nice?"
"Yes, it does."
We decided on a few G-rated options, such as watching TV, playing games, the usual stuff. It really seemed like her parents were going to be gone a while. It was almost night time.
"Susan, do you wanna go out to dinner?" I figured I'd use this time to go on a date.
"Sure, where do you want to go?"
"I don't know, how about something Italian?"
"Sounds good. Let's go."
"Not yet, you're still in your pajamas."
"Oh, right. We should change first. Should I wear something fancy?"
"I don't have any fancy clothing, so you'd just make me look bad if you did."
"Okay, I'll find something casual."
"Alright." I got changed in the guest room, then I texted Mrs. Forrest that I'd be out with Susan. I waited by the front door for her to finish getting dressed.
"Okay, I'm ready!" I heard Susan call out as she scurried down the stairs. "Is this casual enough?"
She was the very definition of casual. A tee shirt, short shorts, and she even put her back in a ponytail. It was cute, I'd even say a bit sexy. No, I wouldn't say that, that's dirty. "You look cute." I told her.
"Thank you." She replied.
I drove her out to the restaurant, and luckily, it wasn't too crowded. We had a short wait before we got to our table. "Have you been to this place before?" I asked Susan.
"Yes, a few times. I love the spaghetti here."
"Heh heh, we should share a big bowl like in those cheesy romance movies, where they slurp on the same noodle."
"Okay."
"I was joking."
"Oh, so you don't want to? I thought it would be fun."
"It would just be gross, really."
"Oh."
"Yeah, I think I'll try this lasagna."
We placed our orders when the waiter came by. Trying to think of something to talk about, I stared at Susan. There was some instinct in me that made me excited that she put her hair back. I don't know what it is, I hope it's not dirty. What I do know, is that there are definitely some dirty feelings I'm getting from her outfit. I wish my brain wasn't so perverted, I just want to love her for her gentle and caring nature.
Hmm? Susan just moved her eyes away. She's not looking at me anymore. Is there something over there? I looked, but there wasn't anything interesting.
"What are you looking at?" Susan asked.
"That's what I was wondering. You broke eye contact with me."
"Well, when we were staring at each other like that, my heart was pounding. My body started getting hot, and I felt weird." Oh, man. Susan has been getting more and more curious. I sorta feel bad for refusing any lewd activity with her. But, I know it's for the best. Or, is it?
Of course, Mr. Forrest told be not to. And Mrs. Forrest did too, when she lectured me about trust. In the end, it's about me and Susan. It's our choice, right?
So, what's my choice? "Maybe the air conditioning in here is bad. I doubt it has anything to do with me." I just led her away from the subject. I don't want to talk about it because I'm afraid to. I feel like I would be betraying the trust that Mr. and Mrs. Forrest placed in me. But I also feel like I'm ignoring Susan's feelings. I can't be right in this situation. I'd be doing something I don't want to do either way.
So, what's the lesser of the two evils here? Do I follow the path of trust? Or do I follow Susan's feelings and let things happen? I'm stuck. I can't decide. I just want to have a loving relationship with Susan, with only pure intentions. But when she gets like this, it's hard to resist her. Maybe I should talk to her mother about this. I want her to know what Susan is desiring out of our relationship, and what I want as well.
First, I need to confirm Susan's feelings. "Susan, what do you want out of our relationship? What do you expect?" It was hard to find the words for this, I hope what I said was okay.
Susan looked back up at me, now with a face that was deep in thought. "What do I expect? I'm not sure. Are you talking about our future again?"
"Not exactly. I want to know what it is you desire right now."
Susan thought for a minute. "I really don't know. I don't fully understand my feelings for you. I know that I love you, but I don't understand why my breath gets heavy, or why my body heats up. I start feeling light-headed. Do you know if this is normal?"
"It is normal. I get a few similar feelings for you too. And I also don't understand some of them. But if this is how you really feel..." I sighed. I guess there's no escaping this topic. "Do you ever think about having sex?" Why has this subject been so prevalent lately?
"Is that why my body is reacting this way?" Susan changed her questioning face to a serious one. "To be honest with you, I am fond of the idea. It's supposed to be the ultimate expression of a loving bond. But I'm not ready to be a mother yet. Not until we have a steady income and a place to call home. That's what mom always told me."
Does she not know? "Susan, it's very easy to have sex without making a baby."
"Really? Then I'd very much love to. As long as it's okay with you." That's the question. Is it okay with me? I'm leaning more towards no. But I don't know how she'd react.
"I still need a lot of time to think. I'm sorry."
"That's fine. I don't think I'd be any good at it, anyway." She chuckled after saying that, but I could sense a bit of pain in her laugh. As if she feels like she isn't good enough. When we get home, I'm definitely going to hug her. I don't want her ever thinking negatively about herself.
"Don't say that. I'm the one who'd be awkward. Let's just put this conversation away for now, okay? I'm sorry I brought it up."
Susan nodded.
When we got home, I hugged her like I said I would. Her parents were home, and we talked about our dinner. We went to bed after. I hope things settle down for a while. This has been an eventful Summer break.