I Fall Apart

Lin

Nora sat on the couch like a zombie most of the morning.  Sebastian snuggled up to her side as they watched Moana.  As the credits rolled, Sebastian ran off to play and I took a seat next to Nora, putting my arm around her. 

"I offered to help pay for your mom's funeral," I began.  "I'm gonna go take the check to Steve this afternoon.  Want to come?"

She twisted her lips to her side in thought.  "I don't know."

"It might help," I told her.  "And it would get you out of the house."

I was glad that she finally agreed.  It might help her to talk to Steve.  I knew she didn't really like him, but he was the one that had found her and had been with during the last days of her life.  Nora threw her hair up in a ponytail and put on jeans and a t-shirt.  We silently rode the subway.  Nora had finally checked her phone, and it was inundated with messages from friends.

We walked up to the house and Nora pushed the door open.  Steve was on the couch, drinking a beer and watching TV.  When he saw Nora, he turned off the TV and set his beer on the coffee table.  He stood up and gave Nora a quick hug, which she awkwardly accepted.  I shook hands with him.

We all sat down and Steve started talking about the last few days.  He'd said Laura had gone on a downhill spiral.  She had been drinking and smoking non-stop.  She kept hitting up.  He begged her to stop, but she wouldn't listen.

As Nora listened, her eyes welled up with tears.  I hoped she wasn't feeling responsible.  She was a kid.  She was not responsible for her mother's behavior, nor could she do anything about it.

Nora asked him a couple questions, and Steve responded honestly.  He told her she was welcome to be part of the service if she wanted, but Nora politely declined.  He wrote down the details of the funeral – the time and place, then we finished up.  I gave him a check for $2,000 and he teared up as he accepted.  We shook hands and Nora and I headed out.

I didn't take her straight home.  We stopped at a coffee shop on the way home and we ordered some drinks and a couple pastries.  I was grateful she was eating again.  It didn't matter that it was crap.  When your mother dies, any food will do.

"So, on Monday we'll head to Queens around 1:00," I was thinking our plans for Monday out loud.  "The funeral starts at two.  I'm sure you'll want to stay around for a while after.  We can head back whenever you're ready."

"Are you and Vanessa coming?" she asked me quietly.

"Of course," I told her.  "Have you invited any of your friends?"

She shook her head.  "They didn't know her anyway.  I didn't want them to know her."

Her mother had been a bit of an embarrassment.  I was pretty sure her new friends had never met her.  We were quiet for a couple minutes, sipping our drinks, when Nora blurted, "She's dead because of me."

"Nora, that's not true," I told her.

"We fought on Wednesday," she reminded me.  "Steve said she was drinking and doing drugs non-stop."

"She did that anyway," I pointed out.  "It's not because of you."

She teared up and I don't think she believed me.  If she got something stuck in her mind, it was hard to let it go.  I reached across the table and took her hands in mine.

"Nora, you cannot go down this road," I told her.  "You cannot blame yourself for this.  You had a fight with your mom, but you know she had lots of issues.  She had a lot of demons."

"But what if I had stayed?" She asked.  "Maybe I could have stopped her."

"Nora, I hate to say this, but this was bound to happen eventually.  She's been going downhill for years.  You're a child.  You had no power to stop her."