To Live an Die in my mind

Adrift

It was a little before noon, my mind was drifting already. The glass of whiskey slipped out of my hand and onto the floor. I didn't hear it fall or break. “Was there really a glass in my hand?” It’s a strange feeling when you begin to question reality and fear your imagination. I hadn't slept in a few days, I couldn't afford to. Truth be told, I was afraid to; to dream. I was afraid that I wouldn't wake up but now the dreams had begun to chase me. The sleep was attacking my mind and I could do little to defend myself. I couldn’t sit any longer, I had to move about. “Ouch!” I stepped on some glass. “The glass was real! Or, was this pain fake”. I made my way to the fridge and downed the remaining energy drink, before popping the last of my pills. I hoped to watch television for the rest of the evening but when I turned it on I remembered the volume wasn't working. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't just sit back down, I'd fall asleep again. I looked outside and noticed some children playing outside. “Maybe I would go for a walk; some fresh air could calm my nerves.” The day was so eerily quiet; I couldn’t hear a bird's song or the whistle of the wind through the trees. It was frighteningly peaceful. I walked for miles without tiring yet somehow as I made my way to the end of the street, I returned in front my house. “Was this reality? Did I fade away for a few seconds?” Suddenly a stone hit me, when I turned to investigate, I saw this massive crowd charging toward me. I tried to run but it was as if my legs and my brain were at war. No matter how hard I pushed myself, they seemed to grow closer and closer. I looked into the crowd but their faces seemed unfamiliar, even their shouts couldn't reach me. “What did they want from me?” I turned once more to see them but lost my footing. I feel and went blank. 

I awoke on the chair with my glass of vodka in my hand. I managed to rest it on the table before it fell. I turned to the window and it was dark out. I looked at the television; I had been asleep for three days. “What was happening to me?!” The dream had taken hold of me. I called my ex but she refused to answer me. She had had enough of my ’silly fantasies’. I knew she cared about me but my irrational fear had made me paranoid and it was endangering her. Was I really being irrational? Or was this really an imaginary world. I had lost my job. My family and friends had disowned me but what should I care. They weren't real. I picked up my glass to drink and began weeping. The vodka wouldn't run down, it stayed at the bottom of the glass. “It was just another damned dream.” I threw the glass and tried to run but the chair held me back. This dream was turning into a nightmare. I could feel it eating away pieces of my consciousness. “So this was the end? The dream would overrun my reality and ensnare my mind.” I looked above me and a tiny hole shun light down upon me, below me stared the endless abyss. The end was nigh and I had given up on the fight. Then a glass shattered, and I heard her voice. "Damn it Roy! If yer' gonna fall asleep drunk, at least put the glass on the table!"

Mary-Ann was here but I didn't hear her come in. "Are ya gonna spend all day on that chair? Get yer' lazy ass up and do something with yer' life!" Her voice was shrill but somehow it was comforting. I awoke and felt the cold sweat of my glass of scotch burn my hand. I wiped my eyes and looked at her face she was laughing. "Every time ya close them eyes, I wonder if they'll ever open back." Her face was comforting and somehow I helped me to remember; -I was Roy Billy Sharp and I lived at two twenty-two Hardy Lane. My girlfriend of five years, Mary-Ann, was a nurse. I was a mechanic and a damn good one. – “This was reality! I hadn't been fighting my dreams, I was locked inside them.” I even remembered our fight; Mary-Ann was screaming at me to get some sleep but I hit her. I had never raised my hand to her, so how could I now? Tears started to roll down my cheek, I had lived an entire lifetime before waking up. I felt as if my life had gotten a reboot and I could see the world through new eyes. “This, here, was my reality! Then I heard the glass fall to floor shattering and leaving its brandy to stain the floor.”

“No, no! I had finally escaped.” When I turned to Mary-Ann, she was expressionless. Her eyes were blank as if they no longer saw me but only through me. I retreated when she stepped toward me, I couldn't explain this feeling, it wasn't fear so much as natural instinct. A strange force approached me and I retreated, this hellish nightmare would not end. Mary-Ann slapped me and hugged me. She was crying. I didn't understand. "Welcome back Roy! You’re finally here." I didn't understand but I was in no position to question it. This feeling was happiness. Even with the tears running down my back; this was happy. “I may or may not have returned to reality but I found something better. A little place I call happiness.”