I wake up. It begins. The buzzing of the alarm a dull murmur compared to the screaming in my head.
You're going to be late!!
Thanks, but I can read a clock.
I get up. My stomach grumbles, but the thought of eating breakfast makes my head pound, and my chest collapse.
I brush my teeth.
I grab my car keys, start the car, and try not to get too distracted by the pretty fall foliage on my way to university.
"Welcome to college! Today is only syllabus day, and we want all the first years to become as comfortable as possible!"
I sit in class, taking decent notes, meeting friendly eyes with a shy smile.
What are you doing? You don't understand any of this. Is it even worth it?
Shut up, it is too early for this.
After classes, I walk back to my car, start the ignition, drive back to my house, a little slower to enjoy the scenery like I used to when I was just a passenger.
I eat lunch, and immediately get to work, doing my homework and reviewing my notes.
Something is missing.
No, it's not.
I go to bed after working hard, but as I lie down, feeling the warmth of my blankets around me, I think,
today wasn't enough.
I wake up. It begins. The buzzing of the alarm a dull murmur compared to the screaming in my head.
You're going to be late!! You've barely passed college so far, your second semester of freshman year should be notable! You need to put in work.
Thanks, but I can read a clock. And I'll see a shrink next time, jackass.
I get up. My stomach grumbles, but the thought of eating breakfast makes my head pound, and my chest collapse. It's been days since I've wanted to eat.
Just go. No one cares how you look. No one is looking anyway.
I don't brush my teeth.
I grab my car keys, start the car, and drive to university.
"Welcome back to college! We hope you learned to do all of your homework for our tests that don't contain homework problems!"
It's not worth it. Homework doesn't make you happy. Why do it? It's not like anything matters anyway.
I sit in class, on my phone, laughing with my new "friends" that I don't see outside of class.
What are you doing? You're going to get so behind!
Shut up, I do what I want to do.
After classes, I walk back to my car, start the ignition, drive back to my house, as fast as I can to jump into bed.
I eat chips, and then watch videos until 10pm.
Something is missing.
Probably.
I go to bed after what feels like a long day even after doing nothing, and as I lie down, desperately trying to get warm under my covers, I think,
today wasn't enough.
I wake up. It begins. The buzzing of the alarm a dull murmur compared to the screaming in my head.
You're going to be late!! You are worth absolutely nothing, you piece of shit. Get your fat, lazy ass out of bed.
Thanks.
I get up. My stomach grumbles, but the thought of eating breakfast makes my head pound, and my chest collapse. It has been years since I've had a good breakfast.
Don't brush your teeth. No one cares. You don't care either. They should rot out of your head.
I don't brush my teeth.
I grab my car keys, start the car, and drive to my career.
Crash. Kill yourself.
I arrive at my career.
I work.
Do it. Yell at that person! Better yet, kill yourself! What are you even living for anyway? Waste of space. Pussy. Bitch.
Yep. I'm a pussy.
After I clock out, I walk to my car, turn on the ignition, and try not to fall asleep while I'm driving to my cheap apartment. Even though I want to.
I eat chips for dinner.
Something is missing.
I know.
I go to bed after working hard, but as I lie down, feeling the warmth of my blankets around me, I think,
it will never be enough.
I wake up. It begins.
Silence.
I get up. My stomach grumbles, and immediately I walk downstairs to grab my breakfast.
I brush my teeth.
I grab my book, and head back into my room to sit on my bed.
Silence.
After I am content with the amount I've read, I put my book down, and look out the window.
I feel it.
The pills in my body.
Something is missing.
The thoughts.
After all this time, you still do not love yourself. I am not surprised. What a tragedy, you would have lived for so much longer.
I get into bed as I overdose, but as I lie down, unable to feel warm, I think to myself,
I should have made this life enough. I should have tried harder.
