At Full Brightness {All the Bright Places alternate ending}

2

Violet

I'm in the car, trying not to think about anything but the wheel and the road ahead. But Finch, as always, isn't something I can just put aside. I remember his comforting voice as I stood at the top of the bell tower, so long ago. The dark smile he gave me in class, sitting at the back of the room with his feet up on the desk like he didn't care about a thing.

Finch cared far more than I realised.

I remember us driving together and laughing in the hallway and lying under the stars. I remember diving underwater, searching for him frantically that day at the Blue Hole, because surely, surely he'd need air now and where is he why isn't he coming back up  - and I remember the pressure that had tightened further and further around my chest until finally, finally he resurfaced.

And he can do it again, I try to tell myself, but the thought is hollow. I remember Kate saying to me once, you never know what that boy's going to do.

Finch

I need to say goodbye. I type a message to my family first - to Kate and Decca and my mother,  telling myself over and over they'll be fine, they'll be better off later on, they'll recover.

And I want so badly for it to be true, but the darkest part of me doesn't - not at all.

Then I'm opening Facebook and staring at Violet's name. What do I say - what can I say to this girl, this girl who defies all reason and logic and every rational thought I've ever had?

And in the end, I can't say anything to her at all. So I fall back to Virginia Woolf and type the only thing I can. I feel myself shining in the dark... I am arrayed. I am prepared. This is the momentary pause, the dark moment.

... I am rooted, but I flow. ... 'Come,' I say, 'come.'

And after that, I feel calmer. I've slipped into the eye of the storm. I've accepted my fate.

I type quick messages to Charlie and Brenda, the best damn friends I ever had. They deserved better too, they all did.

And then, shivering in the breeze, I start to strip down out of my clothes. I take far longer than I need to fold them neatly, in case Violet finds them.

I want her to know this was no reckless decision. I want her to know this has been coming for a long, long time.

Violet

When I see his car parked on the side of the road, I pull in behind it. In my head I'm imagining Finch seeing my car, running up and hammering on the door. I imagine his voice saying, it's okay, I'm alright, I'm so, so sorry. I'd burst into tears, punch him in the arm, grab him tightly and refuse to let go until I was sure he wouldn't leave again.

When I get out of the car, the only sound is my breath in my ears and the breeze sighing through the trees.

I walk as slowly as I can, but as Finch would have told me, time is inevitable. It catches up every time we run.

I would have said to him, you seem determined to run for as long as you can.

Then he would have laughed, probably, and put his arm around me. 

The lake doesn't give up its secrets easily. It looks deserted, and it's freezing, and just as I'm starting to feel hope again - I see them. Finch's clothes, folded in a neat pile on top of his scuffed black boots. 

I stop walking. Finch, what have you done?