The Passage (h.s)

Chapter Twenty-One

"Never mind, you don't have to answer that question. I understand if it's too personal."

"No, I wanna tell you everything. I'm an open book for you, just struggling to put it into words. I've never really wanted to share their meanings with anyone...until you. There was no need to articulate it."

It's and incredible feeling that he's willing to share such a guarded secret with me. The amount of trust it takes for him to tell me something that's so obviously meaningful, warms my heart. There's not much about his life that he gets to keep to himself, and I'm honored he feels comfortable letting me in. 

"I guess I'll start with the birdcage." He huffs out a heavy breath. "It symbolizes feeling caged and not having control over my own life. The label and management have had us on puppet strings for years, we haven't had a say in much of anything. Someday I want to be creative on my own terms. I don't know when that'll be, but it's something I've been wishing for."

"That's heartbreaking, no one should feel trapped like that."

He wraps his arms around my shoulder and squeezes; one, two, three.

"Don't be sad, it's not all bad news I promise."

He kisses me on the forehead then traces the tattoo on his sternum.

"The butterfly is a symbol of beauty; it's pleasing to the eye and the soul. It's free, its wings flutter in a rhythm of their own. They can fly whenever or wherever they want, I'd give anything to have that freedom. This tattoo is a reminder to be hopeful when I'm struggling. If something that delicate can be so strong and free, surely I can be too."

I want to tell him how incredibly beautiful hissentiment is, and how proud of him I am, but I just let him keep going. It'sobviously difficult for him to discuss these feelings, and I want to encouragehim to continue. Most likely these are things he's needed to get off his chestfor a long time.

I squeeze his hand to reassure him that I'm here; one, two, three. The number three has become our way to communicate I love you, and I am here, without using any words. 

Seemingly he gets lost in thought for a moment.

"The swallow on my right represents me. It's an expression of individuality and untapped potential. I want to be more, to grow, and go places I've never been before. Creative and emotional spaces that I long to be in."

I'm holding back a cascade of tears. I know what he's longing for, freedom, love, independence. His words are touching, but knowing there's this underlying pain and discomfort makes me feel wildly protective. It frightens me that I can't keep him to myself, here in the safety of our private life.

There's going to be times when I'll feel helpless, because I have no choice but to share him with the entire world. And sometimes the world can be a cruel and ugly place. I'll need to trust that he's tough enough to handle life when I can't be there with him.

I need to free myself from this cycle of frustrating thoughts, so I come back to the conversation.

"Tell me about the other swallow?"

He lets out a slight chuckle before continuing, almost elated to share what's next. There's a bashful smile growing on his face. 

"The one on my left has been waiting to be claimed. She represents the person who I've imagined I'd spend the rest of my life with. That's why the tattoo is above my heart. They're one as a pair, but still capable enough to be separate individuals. Very similar, but not identical, she's much more stunning, notice the extra detail." He draws his fingers over the inked lines. "She embodies everything I want and need in a partner; strong, graceful, independent, unique, and a beautiful soul too."