Tags! And other random stuff

*trigger warning* Why is family so difficult?

Why is family so difficult all the time?

They force you to hang out with them when you don't want to.

Now I'm sure you all will be mad at me, saying how your family is the first group you respond to and shit, and I understand that all too well.

But my family is broken.

Parents: divorced since I was barely 3

Older brother whom was my first friend: forced to move away from me

Step dad: lied about not smoking and he does and still lies about shit

Siblings: force you to hang out with them when you don't want to

Friends: won't let you be alone and constantly blow up your fucking phone with texts and calls of which you missed making them think it's because of them you don't want to talk to them

Why can't they see I'm hurting? How can they not?

My mom forces me to hang out with family when I just want to cry my eyes out in my room alone.

But that can never happen, now can it?

You are forced to go to school with people whom you don't want to talk to, and you fear because of the judgement you might feel.

You want to be the perfect child for your parents but you just screw it up even more than before.

When your depression, anxiety, paranoia, and every other fucked up shit in your life eats at you.

You're told to go get counseling, even when you say it doesn't help, yet you're still told to go.

You want to just curl up in a ball and not leave your room.

And I already starve myself still, and I just can't seem to have an appetite.

I want to talk to my brother but he destroyed his phone. And I don't want to pile my shit on him when he's fighting his own depression and to not take his own life.

I want to die! I want to!

But...

I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid to end it.

I'm really the only reason my brother is still alive.

And my sister Kyrie is not 100% okay either, because she has bullies.

But she makes me feel so guilty! I hate it!

Can't she see I don't want to hang out with her because of the shit in my head!? Can't you see Kyrie that you are making it so fucking much more horrible!? You can't see that your older sister is going through shit that she can't bring herself to tell!?

I CANT DEAL WITH THIS SHIT! ITS ALL SO MUCH!

I can't deal with all this shit. It's crumbling around me. My walls I use to block myself from the real world, all crumbling around me.

I almost cry in public when I don't want to. I cry myself to sleep almost every night now. And I can't deal with it! I CANT!

I'm depressed in school and no one notices at all! No one notices to help me!

I don't even know if I'm truly laughing or not. I don't know what's my true emotional level, and if I'm truly happy, or my fake facade has over taken my real emotions. I think I've forgotten what a real laugh and smile is. I've faked it for too long that I don't know what's my real laugh, smile, etc.

I can't deal with it. It's all crumbled around me so much, that I can't tell if I can protect myself from bullies and people who might date me just to break my heart later.

But I'm scared to tell and end it all. I want to! I just can't bring myself to!

I want to cry, when I can't.

  I want to die...

  I don't want to live...

  And I don't think anyone can help me, because I'm so far gone.

  I'm sorry, I just needed to tell someone, even if it's just random people on the internet whom I've not met IRL.