22 More Short Stories About Unnamed City

The Great Snail Race

On their way to wherever Eddie was taking them, Donald Trump was tweeting like Panty was getting laid. 

"Well here we are." Said Eddie. "Where are we?" Asked Sagmaster. "MMMMBMMBMMB." Said Kowalski, who was drowning in taco mix. "Whoops wrong dimension. Except I'm a god, so I definitely did that on purpose." Said Eddie, taking them to a different dimension. "Here we are." Said Eddie. "Thanks." Said Dysten, thanking the inter-dimensional bus driver like a higher intellectual. "You're welcome." Said Eddie. "Now, the rules here are simple. You will all participate in a battle-royale type fight and whoever is last alive wins a trip to 6-flags with me, plus a 50$ gift certificate to HH Gregg." Said Eddie. "Wait, isn't this a mayoral race?" Said Kowalski. "Yeah, I was just pranking you." Said Eddie, before taking them to a completely bizarre universe which was actually the one they started in. 

"When do we get to murder each other?" Asked Agolf. Eddie then shot a gun into the air. "You missed." Said Trump. "Start running, guys. It's not called a race for no reason." Said Eddie. The 5 candidates scuttled along as Man O War sat at the front. "It's OK, take your time little guy." Said Eddie. "GAS GAS GAS!" Said Agolf, speedlejuicing his way to first. Dysten quickly pulled out his fastinator, just as Sagmaster pulled out a boost button, which was just the b button on a Wii remote. "IT LOOKS LIKE AGOLF IS KEEPING HIS STRONG LEAD ON THE REST OF THE PACK, DRIVING HIS EINSATZGRUPPEN FOLLOWED BY DYSTEN AND SAGMASTER IN THEIR VEHICLES! AND AFTER THEM IS KOWALSKI, SLIDING ON THE PAVEMENT, BUT WHERE'S TRUMP?" Said Eddie in his announcer voice. "HELP!" Said Trump who was being chased away by a Pakistani woman screeching. Soupy Sales then punched the Donald Trump into a building before pounding his chest. "THERE WAS A GORILLA IN THE RACE?" Said Eddie, referring to the woman.

Trump then took all the oil from Pakistan to fuel his Trump brand rocket tank. "DONKEEEEEEY KONG." Said Soupy, as he threw the tank at Man O War. "I can't watch this." Said Eddie, even though he sees everything, even what you do at 3AM on your phone. The tank then hit Man O War and exploded upon impact because of Man O War's death repellent, but it did launch him approximately 2 hexagon shaped inches from the finish line. "THAT SLIMY PILE OF GOOP HAS TAKEN THE LEAD!" Said Eddie. "I'M GONNA STEP ON THE GAS!" Said Agolf, accidentally gassing the jew that ran on the hamster wheel that powered his car. "Whoops, wrong gas." Said Agolf. 

"IT LOOKS LIKE AGOLF HAS FALLEN TO LAST, BUT KOWALSKI IS CATCHING UP TO DYSTEN AND SAGMASTER!" Said Eddie, immediately retracting the statement when they were all hit by an unsuspecting pirate ship. "THERE WAS A PIRATE IN THE RACE?" Said Eddie. "Uh. Take this, and we don't have to tell anyone about this." Said Johnny, throwing money at the three of them. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew Man O War over the finish line. "WHAAAT?" Yelled everyone. "I DEMAND A RE-COUNT!" Yelled Trump. "Wait a minute, that's not Man O War, that's just a regular jellyfish. See, it's not wearing a fedora!" Said Sagmaster, even though it was just Man O War without his hat. "In the case, I guess nobody wins." Said Eddie. "THAT'S IT! I Was hoping it wouldn't come to this." Said Dysten, hypnotizing everyone again. Eddie immediately reversed it. "I still can't be hypnotized, you realize that right?" Said Eddie. "Oh wait." Said Dysten. 

"I have another idea." Said Eddie, warping them to a parallel universe. "What is it, crooked Eddie." Said Trump. "Call me that again and you'll have to take a visit to the nega-eddie realm, and you don't wanna go there. It's filled with orange juice pulp and thots." Said Eddie. Trump shuddered. "Anyways, here's my idea. We play Quartz, Parchment, Sheers for the win. Best out of three." Said Eddie. "THAT WAS MY IDEA!" Said Agolf. "Well I created you, and the guy who invented Quartz, Parchment, Sheers, so by extension it was my idea first." Said Eddie. "AHEM! I think you're forgetting I don't have fingers?" Said Kowalski. Eddie then gave Kowalski fingers like Dedede in Kirby's Ghost Trap.

"Well I've decided i'm dropping out of the race forever." Said Kowalski, upon seeing his new fingies. "Score one for Fascism." Said Agolf. "You wanna be that way? Fine, I take it back. I'll stay in just to beat Agolf!" Said Kowalski. The rivalry continues.