Toe to Toe

Chapter 7

Tia got off the bus at the stop closest to school and sling her bag on her shoulder. She'd told her dad she would Uber from the stop to the school she'd save the money for later. Besides, the walk would do her good. The heavy bag dug into her shoulder and she lengthened her steps. Lunging with weights was good for the core and she needed the exercise.

When she got back on campus her muscles relaxed and she exhaled. There was something about the tree lined campus that just soothed her. Despite the fact that she was just as alone her as she was in her room at home—-the tension in her neck and shoulders melted into determination. Here she had one goal...be the best. And the path to it was easy.  Work harder than anyone else and never back down. It was easier here when she wasn't dodging her dad and worrying about her sister.

She unlocked the outer dorm door and entered the community great room. Three girls sat huddled on the couch staring at a computer screen. All familiar faces she'd seen in the hallways but not one of their name's surfaced in her mind. None of the preoccupied girls bothered to look in her direction and she was grateful. For a split second she wondered what would happen if she just sat next to them. It wouldn't happen, her body refused to sit now.

A prima doesn't lounge, she stretches. She could still hear the shrill voice of Ms. Kleininger catching her with Shauna hiding behind the mat during freestyle. Neither of them mentioned that Shauna was dropping out because her mom couldn't afford the tuition anymore. What they did instead was get back to work. Because that's what ballerinas do. They act, they dance, they defy the human condition and push the boundaries of strength and stamina. At least, that's what they do if they want to be the best.

Tia unpacked her things neatly in her drawer and got out her clothes for the morning. Tomorrow she'd be up at five. There's no time like the early hours to get started. Before the campus came alive with preening teens and giggling groups exchanging secrets. She liked to be out before all that started now. She didn't have many friends here. Shauna had been her roommate and best friend for two years. They were different in ever way except the one that mattered. They both gave everything to be the best. When she left everyone else had already paired off for the year and Tia didn't bother trying to fit in with anyone else. This year was make it or break it. No one else had headlined every show in a year, but she would.

Besides, when this year was over things would be different. She'd be in New York with people who took ballet seriously. People who weren't there for things like friendship and gossip and drooling over the boys. Life would be amazing. Here, the instructors took it seriously, some for the love of dance, but most because parents paid big bills to see the improvement. But in New York, everyone would do it for the same reason, passion.

She sat down at her tiny table and stared at the room that had been Shauna's. Sixty two days. Three letters, two phone calls and two months she'd been gone. Tia had trialed three roommates since then, the longest lasting six days. The dean had warned her that it would take some give and take to find the right fit, but Tia didn't mind being alone. Roommates never seemed to fit her schedule anyway. It wasn't like she was impossible to live with, she just liked things her own way. No messes saved for later, no sleeping in or having people over. No blaring music. And definitely no noise between 9-5. Those precious hours were for sleeping. Moments between screaming muscles and blinding thoughts. Time when everything melted away if only for a few hours.

She thought about what would happen if she didn't get to make her application look better. What if she wasn't human enough. She was a ballerina. That's all she'd ever wanted to be, and that's all the school had ever asked her to be. It was melded into the very core of her existence. She could hold point longer than anyone in the schools history. Her Arabesque was perfect and her Grande Jetè was legendary.

Human experience. Try doing a relevé with a bloody foot and a lateral sprain over and over while smiling. Ballerinas are made to ignore their human side. She felt the anger bubbling and took a deep breath. What did having a human experience have to do with being better at ballet? She thought about her sister. Imperfect, infuriating, messy, and somehow a magnet to everyone. There wasn't anything spectacular about her, and yet...she was extraordinary at being human. Textbook really with her rebel punk look and carefree spirit.

I should put on black eyeliner and wear boots and fawn all over a guy. She shuddered at the thought. Boots on her feet would be suicide. And guys were just distractions that kept you from reaching dreams. Her mother had dreamed of being a ballerina. She was good enough to go to the top. Instead, she met her father at a performance. Got married, had babies, and ended up hosting charity events and lunching with ladies she didn't even like. All the things she'd worked for left behind. She had  never said it out loud, but Tia saw the look her mother had when the dancers took the stage. She could feel the energy vibrate when her mom heard the Clair De Lune or the Russian Dance.

When Tia wanted to try ballet her mother transformed. It was as if she'd given her mother a gift. Shopping for tutu's, slippers, and practicing in the cleared out dining room was enchanting.  She'd had a studio built and they'd spend hours in there together, laughing and moving like feathers blowing in the wind.

When her mom couldn't get downstairs anymore Tia played the music louder. She promised her mom she wouldn't stop until it was time.

"How will I know? How will I know when it's time?"

"When it's time", her mother had said, "you'll know".

She blared the music at top volume toward the end. Blocking out the whispers and closed doors. Blocking out the nurses and the crying of her sister. Most of all, hiding the screams she saved until she was in the space she felt her mother the most.

She slammed her fist on the table and groaned. There was no what if. She was going to New York to study at Ellison. She was going to do whatever it took to look human. Even if it meant lugging trash out of a lake covered in algae. She hoped her sister's bright idea was a better option. And, that community class was enough. But if it wasn't, she'd find another way. She hadn't gotten this far taking no for an answer.

Nothing could stop her.