A Scared Heart (the Nourry life series)

chapter 1

He was hidden in the shadows of the venue they would give a performance tonight. Not wanting to be seen by anyone at the moment. He just wanted to stand there and watch. Watch as his two boyfriends fooled around on the stage. Nialls laughter filling the entire building as he ran around, being chased by Harry. Every time the younger would fail to catch him, the laughter would become a little louder, before it would soften into chuckling as he ran away. That was until he got tired and let himself be caught by his boyfriend. Smiling brightly as the younger would wrap his arms around his waist, sometimes even lifting him up a bit. It was impossible of course, but even from here he could swear he say Niall's blue eyes sparkle with joy.

He had to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat, being touched by the joy, fun and love the two expressed. It made his heart swell with pride and love that he could call these two gorgeous boys his.

At the same time he couldn't help, but have this other feeling in his gut. Fear. He never told them or anyone else about it. Hell he did everything he could to stop it from showing, but he was secretly really scared. Scared that all this could be slipping through his fingers at any moment.

Of course what they had was amazing. The love he felt for them was incredible, he had never felt anything like it before. They were his soulmates. The ones his heart belonged to. But he was also aware that what they had was very uncommon, if not unheard of and it would most likely not be excepted by the people around them, by their fans or the rest of the world. It made him insecure as he feared that when Niall and Harry would realize that, they wouldn't want 'them' anymore. Didn't want to be in a relationship everyone would think of as weird. Would look down on and be disgusted by. That as soon as they would see that, they would decided it would be better to have just two in a relationship, no matter which two. Or even worse that they would quite the relationship all together. He was death scared for that day to ever come, knowing he could lose everything.

“You are damn lucky mate.” Liam's voice startled him, making him jump as he was suddenly standing next to him. He hadn't even heard they younger coming. From the corner of his eyes he could see a frown started forming on the Wolverhampton boy forehead. “What's wrong?”

Of course it would be him to notice something was off about him. Still he tried to look surprised. “Why would something be wrong?” Doing his best to give is voice an innocent and confused sound.

“You mean besides the look on your face?”

Shit was he that obvious? “What look?”

“The unhappy fearful look, you just had on your face a moment ago” Liam said. “And don't try to deny it mister, I know what I saw.”

Well damn, why hadn't he been more careful. For weeks he had managed to hide it and one moment of weakness and of course Liam freaking Payne would see. Sometimes he really hated his friend. One little slip up and he knew the guy wouldn't let him get away. Of course that didn't mean he wouldn't try. “Just some stuff I need to figure out. Nothing to be worried about.”

“Louis” the soft growl of his name meant the boy was serious and it always made him all to aware to why exactly they had given him the name 'Daddy Direction'. “It's really nothing important Li, just some insecurities I'm dealing with. Nothing I can't handle tho.”

The younger smiled. “But it wouldn't hurt to tell a friend.” Throwing his arm over his shoulders. “Come on, spill it out. Maybe I can help.”

Holding back a sigh, he knew Liam was just being a good friend, but he really didn't want to. But really for how long could he keep going like this? Hiding how he was really feeling, while it was eating at him from the inside. It was only a matter of time before it would become all to much for him to handle. He would break and it would probably all explode in his face. Did he really want that?

No. “I'm scared” he finally said softly, making Liam's frown deepen. “I'm terrified of losing them. That it will be too much. That what we have will be too weird for them. That they want a normal relationship. One with just two people in it, like normal people. And it doesn't matter if it'll be just them or one of them with me or in the worst scenario, non of us at all. I can't handle that. It will break my heart. Tear it right out of my chest.” He hadn't realized that tears welling up in his eyes, till he looked at the younger and noticed his view was blurry. “I can't lose them Li. I'm nothing without them.” That was it, it was out. He couldn't believe he had actually done it, confessed it all to his friend. As he wiped a tear that threaten to fall from his eye. But he couldn't deny it felt good to finally tell someone. Like a weight was lifted of his shoulders.... or at least a part of it.

For a moment Liam stayed quiet, but then he nodded. Leading him to a row of chairs, so they could sit. Only now he realized how weak his knees felt, like the this outing had taken all his strength. “I take it they don't know.” He shook his head, like he was stupid enough to do that. “Why not? Why won't you let them know how you feel?”

A bitter laugh escaped his lips. “And speeding up the thing I'm dreading the most. I don't think so.”

“So basically you won't even give them a chance. You already made up their minds for them.” Wait, what? “You already decided what they should think and feel without even asking their opinion. What they feel.”Liam looked at him seriously. “It shows how much fate you have in you're relationship and you're boyfriends. You're just steering your relationship to disaster, if you keep this up. You are dooming it with you're own fears and interpretations.”

Blinking in shock. He couldn't believe Liam actually told him that. He opened his mouth to deny it, tell him it was completely ridiculous, but found he couldn't. Because wasn't that exactly what he had been doing? Not only was he hiding his feelings from the two people that were the most important in his life. He was already sure what would happen if that day would come. Sure of how his lovers would feel, what they would think and how they would act. He bit his lip. If he was so sure, wouldn't he unconsciously make it happen?

“They love you” Liam said, speaking up again. “And from what I've seen they love you as much as you love them. So don't think so negative and enjoy the fact that you have not one, but two loving boyfriends.”

“But it could still happen, you know.” No matter what Liam had said, he still wasn't convinced. He wanted to, really he did, but he couldn't. There was no reassurance that it wouldn't happen, nothing to take his fear away, so it was still there squeezing his heart painfully.

He noticed Liam sighed. “True, it could happen. But we can't look in the future Lou. Nor should you live constantly thinking 'what if'. It isn't healthy and it will drive you insane. And as much as I wish I could say they will never leave you, I can't.” Looking up the younger smiled at him. “Neither can I say that me and Danielle will be growing old together and living happily ever after. Maybe that won't happen, but I will be damned if I don't do everything in my power to make it happen.” That made him smile, knowing Liam would indeed do that. “A relationship also depends on what you are willing to do for it and give for the other, or others in your case. You have to be willing to work for it.” Something he hadn't been doing, he saw that now. He had just been there. Though he still loved them and indeed showed them that, he hadn't been to caught up by his fears and what he was sure of what would happen. Instead he should've been trying to work it out, talk to his lovers about it. Telling them what was bothering him, instead of keeping it a secret. It was like he was asking for trouble.

Their relationship wouldn't even exist if Niall kept his fear and worry of being the third wheel in their relationship to himself when they first started. Or if Harry hadn't asked if it was really ok to do stuff when one of them wasn't there. So if they had been man enough to speak up, why wasn't he? Because he was a coward. He needed to get his damn act together and talk to them. It didn't matter if he was scared as hell. Afraid they would leave him there and then. It needed to be done if he wanted to save what they had. Wanted to fight for his loves.

“Look at them.” Liam motioned to the stage where Harry had pinned Niall to the ground. Strangling his hips as he started to tickle the Irish lad. He couldn't help, but smile as the sound of Niall's laugh reached his ears. He watched as Harry leaned down to kiss the blond. “They wouldn't be this happy without you” Liam spoke It was as if they had heard him, because all the sudden both boys turned to look at him. Harry with a smirk on his perfect lips and Niall with a wide grin. He couldn't deny it, Liam was right. If him and Harry hadn't been completely happy when it was just the two of them, neither would they be without him. “Talk to them” Liam encouraged.