He loves me, he loves me not

New job

Starting a new job is always stressful, especially when you've never done it before. I'm 19 and I have never had a job before. My anxiety has held me back from a lot of things in my life. I am going to be a cashier at the local grocery store, well let me rephrase that it's the only grocery store in my small town. I would not say that I am excited, nor would I say that this is the kind of job I had pictured my self having, but it's a start I guess. I know I need to make my own money and I know that I can't just lock myself in my room forever, I decided that it was definitely time for me to make a change, as scary as that sounds. 

I had began training, the cashier and now my co worker had introduced me to everyone else and began working, I watched her for a few hours as she showed me how to use the cash register and the proper way to place items in the grocery bags. Cans, meats, fresh produce, and non edible items, all of these items needed to be bagged so specifically who knew there was a right and wrong way to bag groceries. After a while she told me to get on and start checking out customers, I was so nervous but I tried not to let that show. "Hello" I said as my first customer approached, "Hi, how are ya?" she asked as she began unloading her cart. "I'm good" I kept my responses short and sweet, I've never enjoyed talking to people, I never know where to look or what to say. "You must be new, I don't ever remember seeing you in here. What's your name?". I already know exactly what she'd say when I told her my name, everyone always has the same reaction and it doesn't shock me anymore when people make rude comments about it either, you get used to it. "Hadleigh" I say. She gave me a confused look, "Hadleigh? Hmm, well that's different, you don't hear that one everyday. I like it." I just smiled at her, I go through this just about every day of my life. "Have a good night" I said as I handed the lady her receipt. "You too, and good luck on the new job." she said walking away from the counter. 

The rest of the night went on and cashier taught me how to wipe down our counters, sweep up under our mats, clean the bathrooms, and fill up the drink coolers that are at the end of every register. There is a lot more to this job than I had imagined. It really isn't a bad job, fairly easy, but kinda boring. I suppose it could be much worse than this. The hours passed and it was finally time to go home. I had finished my first day as a working women, it wasn't as bad as I was making seem in my mind. That's the thing with me, I can take the most simple situation and within seconds my brain flips everything  around and has me convinced the worst things are to come. This is the reason I lock myself in my room most of the day, and that's I don't have many friends. I went home and was curious to learn about the people I had met at work, so I did what any person would do. I stalked them on all forms of social media. 

There were actually a few people there I had known from high school so I didn't bother looking up their social media pages.  First I started with another cashier Allison, I had seen her before, but I  had never met her in person. She was sweet, very nice, she was also quiet just like me. I hope that we can be friends. Next was one of the bag boys, Justin. He was kind of a country boy, he wears boots and drives a big truck. That's the conclusion I came to while on my stalking rampage. He didn't post much, quiet and to him self it seems, again like me. I spent about and hour searching different people on Facebook and Instagram just trying to figure out these peoples personalities and what they're like outside of work. Some of them seem to be very outgoing and wild, and some to themselves and very chill. But I think once I get past being the 'new girl' we would all become good friends, at least at work. 

The next few days of work I was in training and I worked with some one by my side, it was an easy job and I was glad that I was catching on. I still wasn't keen on the whole talking to people thing, so I kept to my self still and really only talked to the girls that were training me. Tomorrow is going to be my first day on the cash register alone and I am actually pretty nervous about it, all I can seem to think about is forgetting how to count and shorting a customer their change, and rude customers. I do not do well with confrontation. I am praying that it goes smoothly and that I don't have an anxiety attack in the middle of my shift. I also worry that my co workers won't talk to me, they did while I was training because I was always with another cashier but now that I am going to be alone will they take the time to try and talk to me and carry on a conversation? I worry that they aren't going to like me. See that is one of my anxieties, I worry that no one likes me and that they only tolerate me because they have too. So now that I am taking on my shift tomorrow solo, are my co workers going to be the same, or will they have changed because no one is going to be there to have my back? I guess I will see in the morning. 

***This is all based on things that truly happened in my life. These are real anxieties that I deal with daily, and this toxic relationship I was in has caused me some recent anxiety even though it happened about 3 years ago. I am currently dealing with the anxiety of believing that I will never find anyone else to love me because I was convinced that he was the one for me even though he wasn't the nicest to me.***