Stay

Chapter 8

“Get to it.” he said, and then pushed my head down.

An hour later, I was back at home and in my bed, crying. I can't fucking believe I did that. Just for some stupid video to be erased. This was an all-time low for me. And I know my family wouldn't be too happy with me. Even Adam wouldn't.

Adam.

That whole time with Thomas, I couldn't think of Adam. I feel like he was watching down on me and seeing the shitty hand I've been dealt since his passing. He probably isn't too happy with me either, to be honest. He knows me better than that. And he knows I wouldn't stoop so low for anything, but I guess I proved him wrong after that. I can't believe I'm letting him down again. And the sad part is, he's not here to yell at me and tell me I'm getting out of line. He isn't here to hold me tightly and tell me everything will be just fine, that people make mistakes and do what they have to do to survive this world. I will no longer be able to feel his lips against mine or even feel his skin pressed against mine. I will soon forget everything about him because he is no longer here with me. He decided to leave me without a warning. Without even talking to me and trying to let me help and that's what pisses me off the most. To know the love of my life killed himself without a reason or even an explanation kills me. Maybe it was because of something I did or said to him. Maybe he couldn't take it anymore and he just had to do it. But without a reason? Even without a note? You just have the best night of your life with me the night before and even give yourself to me as I do the same and then out of nowhere, you're found dead the next day. And to top it all off, they tell me that you killed yourself. I never wanted to believe them because I couldn't let it wrap around my brain knowing that you'd take your own life the day after I give you the purest thing someone can give another person. It just doesn't fit together. Something had to have happened days leading up to you doing that. I don't know what they are and I may never know what they are, but you not only left your family and friends, you also left me. The love of your life. Your missing puzzle piece. The one piece that has been missing this whole time. Your always.

How could you have done this? How could you just up and leave me without a warning, without a note, without anything left from you. I need an explanation, Adam. I can't stand knowing you're gone. Sometimes I feel as if I should do the same because life isn't worth living when you lose the one person that is supposed to live forever with you. It's not worth living at all.

I battle with my emotions every single day and I don't know if I'll ever get better.

All I can do is hope and pray.

During dinner, all I could do was play with my food. I don't have an appetite after everything that happened with Thomas and then coming home to think of Adam and everything shitty that has happened in my life.

My mother and sister picked up on it quickly because they kept looking at me with grief in their eyes and it just made things worse. The one thing I hate the most when you lose someone you love so dearly is that everyone looks at you like you're some sad showcase. They look at you with sadness in their eyes and they always have to apologize over and over again, even if you say it's okay. They feel the need to hug you and let you grieve and I know it's the right thing to do for someone, but damn, enough is enough after a couple weeks. It gets old and annoying real quick.

“Sweetie, are you OK?” my Mom asked.

I nodded my head and kept playing with my food.

“Not hungry?” my Dad asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders. I really didn't feel like talking.

After a couple seconds, they let it go. They went back to eating I finally decided to speak up.

“Can I be excused?” I looked at all three of them.

They all nodded their heads and, without second thought, I got up and went straight to my room. I shut my door and went straight to my bed. This is the one place I've wanted to be for the past couple of weeks. This was the last place he slept in and where we made love. This is my safe haven. It's my rock.

I just laid there and stared straight up at the ceiling, wondering if Adam was watching over me.

“Babe, if you can hear me, just know that I love you and always will. I can't believe that you're gone. It seems like just yesterday was when I met you at the park with Cass. It's scary how times flew by and without any warning, you up and leave me. But that's life. Life is unfair and likes to throw curves in and make it really freaking unfair.”

I keep looking up at the ceiling, just in case there was some kind of sign showing he was there and listening. But, like always, there was no sign. I sigh and roll onto my side and rest my head on my pillow. I close my eyes and begin drifting into a deep sleep.

Sleep is the closest thing to death. And the closer to death I am means the closer I am to Adam.