I can still do this

chapter 24

I don't sleep for very long. Him remembering doesn't magically make my nightmares go away. Actually, this one's worse than usual; I dream that Gale's down in the mines with my father when it explodes, and Prim gets mauled by the Peeta mutt and Cato gets killed defending her because I can't move. They're all dead and then I'm left alone, normal, and not dead.

I wake up with tears soaking my face, and I can't even scream because I'm crying too hard, hard hiccupping sobs that tear up my throat on their way out and rip my heart out along with them.

It takes me a few panicked seconds to realize what's going on. Cato's sitting on top of me, holding my arms down with his huge hands and pinning down my lower half by sitting on my thighs. "Katniss," he says loudly, with a tone that implies he's called my name several times before.

I can't answer, but I feel like I should say something, let him know I can hear him now. I just end up shaking my head and crying harder. He doesn't move for a while, holding me still just in case I try to move again.

"You're okay?" he says quietly.

"Yeah. You?" I gasp out, trying to remember how to breathe.

"Well. You punched me in the face."

"What? I'm sorry." I wiggle one arm free and turn on the bedside lamp. He's got a red mark on his chin already bruising and scratches on his cheek. But he doesn't seem bothered by it; he calmly pins me back down, just in case I go nuts again, I guess.

"It's fine. You're done hitting me?"

"Yeah." I nod, and he takes some of the weight off my shoulders, sitting back a little.

"Bad dream?"

I kind of laugh through my sobs, because that's such an understatement. "Yeah."

"I didn't hurt anyone, did I?"

"No, no, you protected Prim, actually. But you all still died." I take a deep, shuddering breath, and close my eyes for a second, remind myself that none of that was real. "Sorry I hit you," I say again, because that's seriously going to be a dark bruise by morning.

"Not a problem." He lets go of my shoulders completely and sits back on his heels, looking at me intently. "What do you need from me?"

I don't have an answer for that, so I shake my head and keep crying.

After a moment, he pulls me up to him and holds me close to his chest, so he's sitting half in my lap but cradling me against his chest comfortingly. "It was just a dream," he says, and I get the feeling that it's the only thing he can think of to say.

"I know." But it could be real, and that's really what scares me.

"Are you going to go back to sleep?"

"Probably not. Don't worry about it. You can go back to sleep," I tell him, forcing myself to breathe normally. "I'm gonna be okay. I just... need some time."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm... yeah." I nudge him off my legs and scoot back so I'm sitting against the headboard. "I'm sure," I repeat, and after a second, he lies down, though it seems he's just trying to make me feel better, but that's okay. I reach over and turn off the light.

"You sure you don't want anything?" he says quietly.

"Yeah. Just... go back to sleep."

He awkwardly pats my leg, and I smile and put my hand over his, put my other hand on the side of his head. I've missed touching him like this, like we're close to each other. He's the only person who's like this with me - the only one who I've wanted to be like this with, too. And I'm so, so indescribably happy he's back with me.