Only Me

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm really an alien beamed down from space to see if we can live peacefully among humans. That's the only explanation I have for examples like now. I am in an icecream shop, sitting across from a guy that I was just starting to date, trying to get it through his thick skull that boinking another chick is cheating, and therefore he is dead to me.
"But we weren't even that serious! I couldn't wait for you, so what do you expect me to do Gecko?" He scoffs, like I am being the unreasonable one here right now. I raise an eyebrow, and snag the busboys shirt as he walks by.
"Um, is there something you want?" The teen asks, scrunching up his freckled face.
"You are a guy, tell me, if you're dating someone, and you happen to find out that said date was screwing some female dog that was supposedly your best friend, would you classify that as cheating?" I ask him.
"Uh, yeah, totally" he answers correctly. Well done for him. Gold star.
"Thank you... Curt," I read his name tag, and let him go."see, I am not insane for thinking that people who start a relationship at least wait for it to finish before moving onto another chick. Therefore, as I stated before, at the start of this conversation, you sir, are dead to me. I hope karma slaps you in your face and it rebounds and hits the female dog. Bye, bye now." I say dismissing him and returning to my ice cream. He calls me profound names and yells loud enough for the whole establishment to hear his profanities, then he storms out like a little baby chucking a tantrum.
Why is life so stressful sometimes? I mean I just decided to suit up and put on my big girl trousers, deciding to try dating. The first guy cheats on me, with my now ex best friend. Now I am down my dignity, and a friend. I don't make those easily, and I don't have much dignity to spare as it is, I mean I am happy to walk through the streets of society in my p'js and all the way to McDonald's just because, reasons.
I finish my icecream then leave the fine establishment. I might as well buy some useless crap to fill the dark void of pain eating away inside of me. The mall is busy today. So busy someone bumps into me, and even though its not my fault, I apologise, and the person doesn't, how rude these humans are. Now, time to hit the stores!
After a solid four hours, I finally take a break to eat my sushi. A phone starts ringing, I notice because my phone in my pocket starts vibrating. I pull it out, and instead of my awesome rainbow casing is a black and red one. This is not my phone. Wait, this isn't my phone! My eyes bug out. Holy crap, someone is going to think I freaking stole this! I an going to jail! Ok, back up there Gecko, all I have to do is simply wipe the phone on my shirt, erasing my fingerprints and leave it. Just walk away. And whatever you do, don't answer that sweet, sweet ring, and not let curiosity get the best of you....
" hello?" I answer, well, that lasted long. I obviously need to work on my self control. The other end is silent." Yo, if this is the owner of this phone, I don't know how I ended up with it,but you seriously need to a) not sue me, and b) put a block on your phone! Seriously human, privacy is bliss." I scold, I feel very strongly about this.
"Yeah, I'm the owner of the phone, meet me at the address I text you." A guys smooth, sexy voice answers.
"Hell no! I don't know you! What if you are a rapist, or a mugger, or a kidnapper?! I like my free will and non hostage status thanks. Plus I did not just get rid of one cheating asshole to get my virginity taken by some middle aged guy with a moustache and a monocle. Sorry Bobbo, how about you pick your phone up at the mall cop security place thing!" I yell, what is that called again? Oh whatever, I am sure he gets it. I shove some more food into my face, ahh, that cures my flustedness
"Trust me, it will be better if you meet me. Please, I mean you have my phone, access to all my contacts, and my work, everything. I can't risk it being lost for good." The guy sounds so desperate. What if it were me?
"Fiiine, I'm curious, plus down a friend and looking for a replacement, do you like icecream? Of course you do, what sort of question is that... But if you kidnap me, I am going to be super pissed at you, just so you know.....Craig" I tell him seriously, giving him a random name. The person on the other line chuckles and then abruptly hangs up. I receive a text a few moments later, an address no doubt. I try ignore it, I am not going anywhere until I feel like it.