Trigger warning

My first love

If you had told me that at thirteen years old I'd know what love was I would have called you crazy.

In fact for the longest time, I tried to convince myself that it wasn't love. How could I possibly understand what love was at thirteen. Coming from a broken home. All I knew that when people loved they usually lost something, or sometimes, everything.

So I just want you to understand that I didn't want to be in love with him.

I also want you to understand that, that didn't matter. I didn't have a choice.

It was a 4 day school trip to Quebec. I had never been more excited. Sure I'd stayed home alone before but this was different. This was a whole new level of independence and I was so sure I was ready.

I would be sharing a room with my best friend and on the 3rd day we had a hour to roam around old Quebec shopping by ourselves. I thought I was so mature and trustworthy.

In sixth grade they decided they were going to rebuild my school so we all got relocated to two other schools in town based on where we lived. Most of my friends were joining me so I wasn't concerned.

We had gotten accustomed to our new lives at this new school. Made new friends and had all of grade 7 to get used to the routine.

6 Months into grade 8 year we were told the new school would be ready right in time for our school trip to Quebec. We'd leave as they were packing up and come back and be moved in.

The school was considerably large and being built as a "super school" meaning the two major schools in my town would be merging together into the super school. One of which was mine. The other, his.

The move got postponed but the kids from the other school came with us still, as we werent going as one school, but two merged together despite the delay.

The 8 hour bus ride up there was considerably amazing. Given we were definitely "two schools" and that was obvious. We were basically split in half, my school at the back of the bus, his at the front.

The phrase "ignorance is bliss" perfectly fits for this situation. I had no idea he existed. And I had no idea what I was missing.

We got to Quebec and we're taken into the "Hotel-that-also-serves-as-a-school" type thing. Girls slept downstairs, boys upstairs.

After we were settled in we were split into groups and went on a night walk. I hated those night walks. I honestly can't remember if we were in the same group or not but all I know is I hadn't noticed him. At least not yet.

We came back and went to bed. 6am the next morning we gathered in the cafeteria and got our food. Everybody fell into their "friend groups."

We then proceeded to go to the main room and play games. That's right, those "get to know each other" games. I'm a fairly anxious and co-dependant person, so those games aren't my cup of tea but I suffered through.

Now bare with me, the rest of the story gets a little foggy in my mind, all of the activities happened in specific days but I can't remember which ones so these next incidents happened in the order that I remember them, not necessarily the order they happened.

One of the games was human knot. If you've never heard of it, you take two different peoples hands in your own, except not the person across from you.
I had seen him at breakfast this morning and pointed out to my friend how cute I thought he was. For the sake of the story we'll call him D.

So I don't remember when our groups changed but D and I were in the same group for human knot, the groups only changed for the games, I think maybe they told us to get in groups of 5-6 and it randomly happened, but I honestly don't remember.

I was standing beside him. He smelt amazing, he was tall and cute and had the bluest eyes, and if you had only seen his damn smile. All I knew was I wanted to hold this boys hand. And I guess he wanted to hold mine too because before you know it his fingers are holding mine.

The games go by mundanely after that and we go skiing and snowshoeing and I don't see him till later that night or maybe the next day.

We get on the bus and head to an army reenactment thing which was a lot of fun. We sit on the bus together (albeit we were kinda forced cause he was told to "just sit down" by a teacher, but I like to think of it as fate) we talked a lot and got to know each other a bit and then we got to the place and he insisted on walking beside me the whole way there ( I tested this theory by running ahead to "meet up" with my friend, he just sped up too)

We get into the building and sit beside each other on one of the four benches but we're eventually given numbers and put in groups. I'm sitting directly in front of D on the benches.

We're play bickering and laughing and he's teasing me while we're supposed to be paying attention so before we get in trouble I turn around. A little while later, either because they suck at whispering, or because they wanted me to hear, my friend who's sitting beside D "whispers" to him "Do you like her" and of course my attention is peaked because I think I like him and of course I'd want him to feel the same. He loudly whispers back yes and my heart is so happy and that is the start of a very long story.

We go to a restaurant later that night and I had planned on sitting with my best friend but we got lost in the crowd and I didn't. When I finally found her she was sitting with him and a few other kids I hadn't met yet and I was going to just sneak in the booth with them but the teachers wouldn't let me.

D and I sat on the bus together on the way back and talked and laughed and at this point I was already pretty emotionally invested.

He had been tickling me and hugging me and I was so happy. Disappointed I would have to wait two weeks when we got back to go to school with him, but we talked through that.

The bus ride home he asked if I'd want to sit with him, which I was obviously hoping he would. I put my bag down at my feet and leaned forward to take off my sweater cause the bus was hot and put it at my feet, when I leaned back his arm was around me. I couldn't be mad cause it was smooth as fuck.

About half and hour in we had ended up with our hands directly beside eachother, pinkies touching.

We did the cute 'your pinkie over mine, then mine over yours' thing for a bit until I finally had enough, grabbed his wrist and put my hand in his.

We stayed like that for 4 out of 8 hours of the bus ride.