One Foot in the Grave: An Almost Zombie story

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Fight! Fight! Fight!

"It's called personal responsibility, Isis, and you need to take some. You are not allowed to run rampant, doing whatever you wish, and if you continue to do so, the next cell you see will be your own." 

Wow. That's harsh. I want my eyes to well up with tears. I want some way to show Father Moss that I'm sorry, that I know I wasn't thinking. But, of course, I can't. So I nod instead. "That sounds fair," I say in a small voice. "Should I go find Lydia now?"

The gargoyle shakes his head. "No. Go home, Isis. Just...take Maxx and go home." 

My heart drops. His anger hurts, but his obvious disappointment hurts worse. Noelle is going to love the fact that I've screwed up. Again. Going home sounds like an excellent idea. I glance over at Maxx, who is now the size and shape of a Saint Bernard. "Can we go home, Maxx? As fast as possible?" God knows I don't want to face anyone in the sanctuary. I suck. 

He nods. "Close your eyes." 

I don't even argue, just obey. My whole body vibrates once, violently, and when I open my eyes we're standing just inside my apartment. 

"I need to fix my arm," I say. I don't want to talk about what just happened. "And I need to change." 

Maxx sneezes. 

"Don't sneeze at me!" I snap. "I know it was a stupid idea, okay? And now Father Moss is-is mad at me and everyone at the church will know what I did. Okay? You're right; I never should have done it. Are you happy now?"

"There is no reason I should be happy because you are yelling at me," Maxx's voice is calm, which just makes me want to yell at him more.

But I refrain. Because this mess isn't his fault. It's mine, and I know it is. I take a deep breath and release it slowly. "So...about my arm." 

He nods. "I do not know how to heal you. We will have to visit Nacelles again." 

"Can we just do it tomorrow? I really don't want to go anywhere else today." Truthfully, I just can't take it if the lich says I can't be fixed. I just want to sleep. The only blessing in today thus far is that my mom is nowhere to be seen. I'll introduce her to Maxx later. 

"Very well," Maxx replies. "I will return to Father Moss, if you have no objections. He is quite knowledgeable and I am not familiar enough with your world to navigate it effectively." 

It's stupid, but I feel like he's abandoning me. "No, go," I say, instead of telling him what I really want to do is curl up with him by my side. "You'll come back tomorrow, right?"

He nods. "I shall be here first thing in the morning." 

"Thanks, Maxx." I wait until he transports himself out, and then flop down on the couch. All this emotional crap that's been happening lately sucks. All I want to do is sleep it off, much like a hangover. My eyes drift shut and then the dreaming begins. 

It starts out the same as before; Andrew and I walking on the pier in Savannah, him inviting me to walk in the sand, my agreeing. But then it kinda goes wonky, and I'm sitting at The Blood Bank, watching Ink dance with Lorii the banshee. They're both graceful and beautiful and all I can think about is how I want to crack open their heads like watermelons to get at their brains. 

I sit bolt upright, my heart slamming against my rib cage. crap. Not another dream. I glance at the clock. What felt like minutes was, in reality, a few hours, but now I'm too scared to go back to sleep. I shed the nasty Hello Kitty sweatshirt in favor of a bright pink, long sleeve silk button down shirt and trade out my jeans for a clean pair. Just the act of changing my clothes helps push the dream to the back of my mind where it belongs. After all, I'm not a monster. I'm only someone who has to eat raw brains. Forever. I sigh. It sounds totally ridiculous, even in my own head. At this point, I realize I'm totally awake. I might as well do something, but I have no idea what. I can't drive a stick with only one arm, so that means driving anywhere is out, and, unless I want to get stared at, so is riding the MARTA transit system. I grab the phone and call Lydia. Might as well find out what exactly my punishment from Father Moss entails. 
She answers just as I'm about to hang up. "Yes, how can I help you?"

"Uhhh, Ludia, it's me. Isis," I say lamely. "I, ummm...can we talk about the Komodo dragon thing?"

"She isn't a thing, Isis." Her voice goes flat. "The half's name is Ra'kul. Use it." 

"I don't know if Father Moss told you, but I'm supposed to help you with her..." I trail off, feeling awkward beyond belief. 

She sighs. I don't know if that's good or bad until she speaks. "I was about to go down to Ra'kul to see the extent of her injuries. How long will it take you to get here?"

"Ummm...small problem...I have no way there without Maxx." And without my arm, but I have no idea what Maxx did with it after our ill-fated walk. 

"He's in the cemetery...do you want me to ask him to come get you?"

I shake my head, then realize she can't see me. That's me brilliant as usual. "No, I don't want to bother him while he's talking to Father Moss." 

"Father Moss is in his office," Lydia corrects me. "I'll send Maxx." She hangs up before I can say anything else. 

Huh. I wonder why Maxx is wandering around the cemetery. Then again, it's not really any of my business. Maybe he found more headstones. Who knows. 

I don't feel anything weird; no air bendy-ness or anything. But Maxx comes trotting out of my bedroom. 

"Seriously, Maxx" My bedroom? Couldn't you have warped in somewhere more appropriate like the living room?" I greet him with my hands...hand...on my hip. 

He blinks at me, looking every inch like a totally innocent Doberman. "I do not see the issue. Would you rather I used your mother's bedroom? She is in there, by the way, fast asleep. Is she ill?"

"No, it's probably stress and more jet lag. Let's just go." 

He doesn't say anything, doesn't even tell me to close my eyes. So I watch the air shiver around us and it's like I'm seeing the earth breathe. A wave of nausea overwhelms me and I slam my eyes shut. 

"What are you doing?" Lydia's question makes me realize we've arrived at the church. 

I open my eyes. Correction. We're not in the church. We're exactly where I don't want to be; standing in front of the door of doom. "Are you sure we have to go down there?" Now that I'm faced with it, I'm really wondering why I called Lydia. I mean, I know I need to do this to appease Father Moss...but I also know I really don't want to. 

Lydia counters my question with one of her own. "Do you want to come back to church?" She holds up a hand when I open my mouth. "Don't be so quick to answer, Isis. You have shown everyone here that you have no real desire to fit in, to embrace a new family. None of us can help you find Andrew. We all have our own problems. So why come back here?"

My initial reaction is to say I'm not sure. I mean, on the one hand, it's been really cool to be able to bring a Tupperware full of brains and not have a single person blink twice at the idea. But answering the question with 'yes' means I"m accepting that I can't revert; that I can't possibly be human again, and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that. I'm not sure I'm ready to live a half-life. 

"If I may add something?" Maxx asks. "This is not a question she needs to answer immediately. Let her do her penance; the answer will come to her as she works with Ra'kul."

Part of me wants to protest that I'm right here. They don't need to talk around me. But maybe it's better if I don't say anything at all. I suspect Maxx may be right. I need to make sure I think more and react less. In short, it's time to grow up. 

The latch turns easily under Lydia's hand. She glances back at me. "Are you ready?"

Gee, who does she ask all the tough questions? I shake my head even as I walk forward. "Not particularly, but it doesn't really matter, does it? It's the right thing to do." 

She nods and smiles at me. Step one on the road to redemption, check.