One Night, One Day, One Year, One Lifetime

Nine

I liked him. When I was young, because of my poor health, my father led a frantic life as he used every means at his disposal in caring for me. Even so, no matter how wealthy and powerful he was, sometimes, there were still things that remained beyond his control.

As I practiced the teachings of Buddhism, I began to understand Tsangyang Gyatso.

He wrote a poem which I was extremely fond of –

That night,

I listened to the hymns till dawn, not for serenity, but to seek a silver of your soul;

That month,

I flipped through all the scriptures, not for enlightenment, but to touch the pages where your fingers once lingered;

That year,

I knelt on the grounds, my head embracing the dusts, not to pay obeisance to the Gods, but to feel the warmth you left behind;

That life,

I wandered through ten thousand great mountains, not in search for an afterlife, but to cross paths with you.

In the past, I had often imagined to myself that this poem was a summary of my relationship with Gao Fei.

I existed in this world only for him.

Usually, the person who had the last laugh was the victor. That night, I was not the victor, for I did not attain my wish to enjoy the warmth of the morning sun. Smiling, I saw Gao Fei's face began to blur, and then began my long slumber.

I slept for a very long time. When I awoke once more, the skies were already dark. I thought that the night had not passed, but I did not realise that I had already slept for a day and a night.

Gao Fei stood there, his clothes tidy, and when he saw me rise from the clutches of sleep, he took a large stride forward, engulfing me into his arms, his embrace violent and forceful.

How selfish must a person be before he was considered to have crossed the line? To obtain a night of happiness, I nearly caused Gao Fei to become a murderer.

Gao Fei held me within his arms, grateful to the Heavens. My fingers brushed across his face as I smiled.

Gao Fei said to me that there were some feelings he detested, just like the way I had appeared in his life. But there were also some feelings that made his heart seize in fear, just like the way I had begun to leave his life.

He said, 'He Yujin, you will never understand how much I hate you, just like how you will never know how much I care.'

He did not choose to say 'love'. Instead, he said 'care'. In my heart, I nodded and said I understood, but I did not vocalise these words.

He said, the fact that I could sacrifice my life to save him was not something surprising, for there was nothing I could not do, given the extreme way I loved and hated with the entirety of my soul. He even thought it possible for this entire accident to have been a play orchestrated by me.

'Except, when I saw you lying on the hospital bed, I realised that you were are not invulnerable.

'Except, when you quietly left home that morning and I could not find you when I woke up; when no one came to kiss me in the secret of the night as I slept, I realised there was no longer a need for me to pretend to be sleeping, as though I could not feel anything.

'As I searched my phone for your number, I actually discovered that I had not even saved your number. I relied on my memory to call you, but there were always a few digits which I could not remember. He Yujin, why is it that I cannot remember your number when we have spent two years of our lives together?