One Night, One Day, One Year, One Lifetime

Eight

When I woke up the next morning, I saw Gao Fei next to me. He was lying on the bed, his posture straight. He could sleep through the night without moving at all. My gaze was greedy as I stared at him, but in the end, I did not lose myself within this image.

Gao Fei, even now, you detest me, don't you?

Even if I treated him the best I could, still, he hated me.

This sort of feeling left me powerless.

I left the bed and ate my medicine, then went for a walk outside. I had not taken notice of my appearance for a long time, and this morning, as I stared into the mirror, I saw the paleness of my face. My body was emaciated and my cheeks were sunken, as though I were an old tree, slowly wasting the remainder of my life away.

After I applied power and painted my face, I finally found the courage to go out and face the world.

In the end, I chose to visit the cemetery once more. Within its grounds lay a person who had loved me with his entire life.

I said my goodbyes to my father. This was a strange ceremony – a person who knew instinctively that her days were numbered was saying her farewells to a person who had already left the world.

I sat by the tombstone and poured my heart out to my father. I told him that I missed him, and if there were a next life, to let him be my lover instead. That way, he would love me a little more, and I would never have struggled so much. Or maybe, to let me be reborn as a normal person, so that even if I continued to love Gao Fei, my love would not be so demanding, wiping away everything in its reckless path.

As I spoke, I grew tired, and rested my head against his tombstone, falling asleep.

When I woke, it was already late in the afternoon.

Before I left, I said to my father, 'Father, this is too difficult. Why do I have to bear such a weight on my shoulders? I am tired, I no longer wish to continue on.'

In a daze, I made my way home, and when I finally reached home, I had already grown hungry. Gao Fei was not home, and I guessed he must have already left for work.

I went to the kitchen to prepare something to eat. I wished to eat soy sauce noodles, the food Gao Fei loved most, but I had only just started preparing the noodles when I heard the door opening.

Gao Fei stood in front of me. With a bellow, he snatched the bowl of noodles from my hands.

'Why are you always like this – how many times must I repeat myself? I said you cannot enter the kitchen, haven't you understood what I've said? And if you had no errands to run, why did you leave home without a word? Do you think it extremely boring to face me; are you regretting having saved my life?'

I stood rooted on the spot, not daring to move an inch. Gao Fei's fury was something I had not expected.

I searched my mind for a reason. Eventually, I said, 'In the past, you've said that I never had to tell you where I went because this had nothing to do with you. I only wanted to eat something because I am hungry. And this isn't a big deal either – didn't I cook for you for two years? You can't lump two different issues together.'

I felt that this ranked among the most successful refutes I had ever made in my life. In the past, I would only say, I'm sorry, Gao Fei, I love you.

How I wished that he would understand! But there was never a time where he understood.

This time, Gao Fei was the one lost for words. For a long moment, he stood there, staring at me.

I took the opportunity to snatch the noodles back into my hands.