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Every year, around this time it's been the same for me. I would isolate myself basically from the world. Three of the 365 days was all I needed. It was like a holiday dedicated to my mother. Those days I will probably cry, smile or even laugh at the past. For some reason I always cry more than anything. The thought of not having a mother to tell you about feminine things. Even not having her at a simple birthday, graduation, boyfriend issues, or even the phases female teenager goes through. I've probably cried more just thinking about not having her at my wedding.
I've always tried to think happy thought throughout the year. Although these three days where I was to not judge my thoughts of her, even if other might think as it selfish. Vowed to myself I'll never forget her even when I'm old and wrinkled.
When she died it was like I lost a Bestfriend, but also a part of me at the time. Everything fell out of place when she left. We went from a black middle class family, to going back in the hood. Having a stabilized family, to everything being unorganized. Lucky for my older brother he was already grown, leaving the house to go to college.
But me on the other hand had years to live with man who didn't want to lived. He actually used to be a cool, funny father. She left he went to being a strict, drunk, stinking man. I couldn't blame him. The women of his life died, and so did the inside of him.
It was already day two. Luckily it was the day I was in a more happy mood. Like most years I would go out, just to get out of the house. Laying in my bed I hear my phone ring. I look over at it before actually seeing who was calling. Letting it ring I decide not to pick up. Few more second goes by and it rings again. I answer the phone with a slight attitude.
"What?" "Damn, I cant get a hello" I look back at my phone and see it was Cordae. I actually never told him about the three days I take off. I guess it just never been on my mind when I speak with him. "My fault. Hey. Now whatcha want?"
"To see if you was trying to go to the beach."
"Nah I'm good." I most definitely didn't feel like being around people. Especially him at the moment I didn't feel like explaining myself. Most of the time when I do I always hear the same thing. "Mane come on. You ain't doing nothing else."
"Yes I am."
"No you not."
"Am."
"Not." I look at the phone before saying anything. "Bye Cordae." I hang up on him before he could say anything else. Like I said I don't feel like talking. Some people might think I'm not being myself. Which in reality I was, I just don't go around showing people how I am when I'm sad.
I get up and decide to wash and get dress. Twenty minutes goes and my foot was halfway out my apartment door. It's been about two weeks since I moved into my own place, even though Brittney lived no more than five minutes away. I put on a casual outfit, since I was really just going to do some errand's.
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Before I could step out the door all the way. My phone starts to ring. I step back inside the apartment and answer the call. It was just Lenar checking on me. We have a quick conversation before hanging up. Putting my phone in my pocket I hear my door being knocked one.
"Damnnnnn." I mumble to myself letting out a hard exhale. I open the door and see Cordae. My face expression wasn't really the most welcoming kind. More of an annoyed one. He ignores it and steps inside.
"You wanna tell me what's wrong with you?"
I close the door, shrugging my shoulders. I lay down on my bed with my eyes closed.
"Nothing is wrong with me."
"That's not what Lenar said." I open my eyes and Cordae was looking me dead in my face. I know this nigga didn't go around telling my business.
"So you wanna tell my, why you never told me anything."
"I forgot." He sits beside. My tone of voice was annoyed. I knew I would have to explain myself, which would only want to make me cry. But for some reason I hate crying in front of people. I mean I know everyone does it, but I just don't want others to know.
Cordae starts to get comfortable. He takes off his jacket. I look at his hair and for some reason this man had one side in twist and the other in a bun.
"I'm waiting."
"For?" I close my eyes again and start to kick off my shoes knowing I was going to be here for awhile.
"Why you sit I the house all day for three days. Doing nothing but cry."
I rolled my eyes. Adjusting myself in my bed. I start to explain myself to him. For some reason he wasn't hard to understand someone else perspective. So it really wasn't that hard to talk to him. Until I start to get emotional. I swear sometimes I feel like a baby.
Now I'm laying on his lap crying. I couldn't even explain to myself why. I guess because I never had a full conversation about my mother. I mean I'll throw in a little bit of information about her here and there. But never a whole conversation. I hold shit to myself, and that's just how I am.
Cordae doesn't say anything. He just listens. I guess I just needed someone to listen to me beside myself. A whole hour went by, by then my tears was already wipes and i just talked about the good things of her.
We both fell asleep and I felt so relieved. It's like when you get a beaten and you take a nap. Feels like the best nap right. No more worry's at the moment.
Author Note Ik it was lowkey booty. But I'm lowkey sleepy and I'm not going to feel like updating tomorrow soo yah. Plus the writing style on this chapter was a bit different than what I normally do. Hope y'all atleast enjoyed it.
