I sit here wondering. Why? Why is it that I can be in a room full of people, but at the same time feel so alone? How is it when I smile no one see's the tears behind that I'm trying to hide. Why is life like this? Why is it made so you have to hide how you truly feel? Why is when all you want to do is cry, but you can't because you are fearful of what people will think of you. Why is society like that? Why can't I cry and scream and let out how I truly feel? I know why, it is because we are so scared. Scared that the one's around us will question it. And that's honestly the last thing you want or need. All you need is for them to sit next to you while you let it all out. Crying is not a sign of weakness, so why is it seen as one? Just why? Why can't I feel better about this life? Why can't I make the best of it? Why do I always have to look for the worst? Why do I always do the things I know will hurt me the worst in the long run? Why can't I be smart enough to know that nothing last forever and that in the end I'll get hurt? As I lay here I wonder does anyone truly ever care? Or is it just all one sick game to slowly destroy you on the inside till you can't take it anymore? There's no point in wiping away the tears that are building up in my eyes. Wiping them away wont do any good, no it'll only make it worse. Because if i don't let these tears fall it will all build up, until one day were I just can't hold it in anymore and I explode. I explode into tears, into the pain in real life that I have been trying so hard to forget. Then after that you realize how pathetic you are and how stupid it all really is. How stupid you were for taking it all to heart. How no matter what you are gonna get hurt. Then you stop. You stop opening up to others. You stop trying to make friends. You stop showing emotion at all, you wear that fake smile until you get home in the solitude of your own room. Once your there it all falls apart. You lay in your bed hating yourself, hating that you were put here when you know that no one even wants you here. Then all the questions come back full force until you finally cave in. As you lay there you debate if your life is worth living any long. At this time you decide that everyone else is better off without you there. Those friends you started to shut out will have a happier life without you. Your family wont have to deal with you anymore and all the shit you use to bring home. The one person you thought you loved but they left you saying it was for the best will be happy that you wont be around anymore. But you are wrong! Those friends wont know what to do if you left. They will get depressed and never be able to smile again without thinking of what you must of been going through and how they were so stupid they couldn't tell. That love that left you for the better good will blame them self for your death and end up choosing to take there own life to make it up. They believe that if only they stayed maybe, you wouldn't of done it. Your family will take it the worse. Your little brother or sister will be the ones to find you and will never be able to get the image of you dead body laying on the floor of the bathroom your arms bleeding and tear stains on your face. They will scream and cry out for your parents until your mom and dad come up the stairs and see you laying there. Your mom will run too you and hold your head in her lap crying blaming herself for not loving you enough. Your father will stand in the door with you little brother/sister and hold them while he trys to stay strong for the family. But he can't stay strong for long because soon he will start to drink. Soon he'll start coming home late. Soon him and your mom will start blaming each other for what happened. Soon your sibling will start to hurt like you did. Soon they will feel like there is no other chose. Soon they will believe that it would be for the best if they also took there own life. So when you do feel sad, let those tears out. In trust your friends to understand what your going through. Cry on there shoulder. Just remember next time you ask your self why, why you keep going on. Remember how much it will affect all the ones around you. Then decide if it is truly worth it to take your own life. And if you decide it is just remember the ones that love you and care for you in the end no matter what is to happen. Just remember that it will kill the ones around you as well.....
