Just a little human from somewhere around the globe talking about love.
Well not exactly the love you might usually think about.. but the more difficult, annoying and unable to bare it anymore kind of love. The love you have with life. Or hate.
If...
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What do you do when you realise that your most difficult relationship is with life? I mean I just came to realise that I hate life I absolutely hate it! It makes me miserable, it makes me struggle, it makes me cry and hurt and I sometimes feel like I can't take it anymore. That I want out of it. I want to quit. And then a question comes to mind : if i quit, does it mean I want to die? And the answer instantly comes as NO. I want to live because I love life. And then confusion.. I want to quit with life but I also want to live ? Why? How? Well flashes of all the amazing things life offered me and has to offer come back.. have you ever seen the view a sea has to offer ? Its blue, its big, it makes you want to dive in and explore the deepest depths of the ocean. Have you ever been on top of a mountain ? It makes you want to climb even higher and scream at the top of your lungs until you can't anymore. Until you've let it all out and have freed your lungs to breathe in fresh air. Have you ever seen and smelled a forest filled with trees and flowers and earthy scents ? It makes you want to have a little tree house there just so you can have long calm days there and listen to the soothing sounds a forest has to give. And have you ever seen very happy people ? Not the I'm very rich and successful and I can afford anything kind of happy, no I'm talking about the real happy, the happy you get when you have spent an amazing day with your closest friends and you have tears from laughing, so hard that your stomach hurts or the happy you get when you have achieved something great and you're praised for it and you're proud of yourself or the happy you get from playing with carefree little kids. There are so so so so many amazing things life has to offer that just make you want to live! Then what do I do ? Because I can't take life's pains anymore. I can't possibly quit and still have life's pleasures. So I think I want to leave. I want to give up on whatever makes me miserable mostly because I am scared. Scared that one day I will explode. I actually feel like a ticking time bomb that will go off at any given moment, when my body won't be able to take it and hide it without letting anyone know anymore. I mean it might feel good to let it all out at some point, just explode and let everyone know that I'm done living with their bullsh*t, but the consequences of that will be to grave for me to be selfish and brave enough to actually let go. So one day I'm going to leave everyone and go somewhere where I will know no one and begin a new life for myself. One day, without exploding, keeping myself calm composed I will leave everything behind to finally be able to breathe freely, to actually live the life I'm in love with.
