im sorry. (will delete this soon)

so, hello!

hello, i'm sorry for being inactive alot. i have school and...this other thing (which i will explain later). for now, meet my caretaker, we'll call her 15. 15 was our caretaker for like idk 6 years or something, i thought she was nice. i mean, she took care of us for several years, so it's possible that everybody trusted her. 15 was huge, like, fat, but i still liked her because nobody should ever judge a person by weight. years went by and 15 had to go away for a long while, in that while we had alot of caretakers taking her place. they were funny i guess, they were clumsy..they broke alot of cups and plates. but my mom was okay with that i guess. another several years went by again and my family decided to take in 15 back into the job. ofcourse, seeing her jump inside the car was an ecstatic moment, but i didnt know the huge storm coming for me. about a few years ago, that was when i started watching rupaul's drag race, and it felt like medicine. if i had a bad day i would just search random lipsync moments and watch it to cure myself. but in that era of mine, i started taking notice of that huge typhoon going to destroy my self esteem. another year has passed, 2017! 15 still stayed, and i wish i wasnt happy in the 1st place. 15 started looking at me in anger, like if i just told her a lie i kept in for 200 motherfucking years. and things got way shitty when i was a medium rpdr fan. she started making these remarks about gays and how they shouldn't exist, i was torn. and to top it all off i was watching roxxxy andrews crying about being left on the bus stop, so i kept quiet. lets take 15 away for a while and take it to school. grade 4, i was a kpop dumpster. i kept bragging about how i knew every kpop group...even though i didnt xd. and this one day...i got blamed for something i didnt do. and after that i was even quieter. and keep in mind there was a gay boy in our school so smack talk about gays were pretty common. after those moments i kept being blamed again, and again, and again, until i was drained of happiness. i took it to the counselor..and the news hit me.

depression.

..

no.

this isn't true.

it shouldn't be.

i was complete shook, like if i just knew what the word "depression" meant. i kept the news inside of me, it was shitty painful as fuck. then, grade 5.

i can't keep it anymore.

i have to get help.

i need help.

i want help.

but i never reached out for help..

i had to wear this fake mask of happy smiles and grins to the point where i couldn't take it anymore, i needed..pain.

about last year..i stole my classmate's scissors and cut myself under the table. if the advisor saw it, i knew i was screwed but luckily i had an excuse.

i got scratched by a book was my excuse.

take the negatives off for a second, i had a friend with me who was a grade higher than me, but now that i'm grade 6 she's now high school, so expect the worse.

anyways back on topic, i did this every day, i choked myself, scratched myself with the house keys, only eat 2 tablespoons of rice and food. it was the pain i didnt want, but decided to have.

it was friday mass and we were upstairs doing shit like the school does when there's friday mass as christians. and thats when i had my 1st breakdown. my teacher knew it already.

shit.

good thing I wasn't doing self harm that school year.

back to 15.

15 was different than my expectations, she was more..
abusive.

she startled me all the time, her loud voice makes me intimidated at times. she doesn't accept my type of gays which were drag queens or kings.

she kept telling me to stop watching it, even though I needed to be cured, to be saved

but she won't let me be saved by this massive wave of sadness.

for the past 2 years these people involved in my non understandable situations and breakdowns I took them into, and I feel so bad being so shit to these people in my lives.

but..

I then found Kim Petras and her music.

it was my surgery to fix myself.

her music heart to break, slow it down, maybe a bit of Allie X all the rage,

it was for me to finally take off this mask and listen to them sing for my aid

I realized

this wasn't enough

since I'm in grade 6 and I need people to drag me up to the surface against this sinkhole I felt better but self harm got to me first.

my mom bought me keys to throw myself into my house, and I made it into my own pocket knife without the blood.

my friends starting noticing them but I made the bad shit ass decision

to open up my issues

on self harm and depression.

and great.

now they know.

but honestly I don't care, I got drained a little and it made me feel better talking about my issues and taking advice to be cured

I'm still a 6th grader obviously, but now that you know my issues and this rollercoster of emotional abuse and school social anxiety and depression, I'm happy to be back on this community.

thanks for all the reads and the votes.

bye.