As always, in the middle of the night my mind likes to fuck me over for no God damn reason and then life just wants to come in and make it worse. Just when I thought my mental health was getting better too! HAHAHA, what a fucking joke!
I usually just vent on Tumblr but this was the thing I clicked on first. I can't talk with my friend Alena because she's probably asleep, and I don't to worry her or put a burden on her. She already has enough on her plate as it is. And don't even think that I should wake up my girlfriend, I don't want to do the same thing and worry her to death. I guess I just have to hope for the best that they don't find this or read this when I'm completely over this shit.
Okay, if you're wondering what I'm bitching and shaking about is just...Well my step brother just triggering past stuff. This has been bothering me all day but my head decided it would be a great time to breakdown about it now.
If you've read my art book, you know about my sitution. I'm living with my dad and my step mom and blah blah blah. My Step mom has two kids, a girl and a boy. The girl is Shannon, she's 16 now (birthday was a couple days ago) and the boy, Tyler, is 15 but he's the youngest of the four of us. Shannon and I are like twins and are very close friends and the same goes for my brother and Tyler.
You may be thinking, "Oh, what's so bad about that? That sounds great!"
And it did! For a while...
Here's the thing, Tyler and Shannon only visit for the summer for visitation. So we spend the entire summer with each other. Things were alright until Shannon has to leave because she had classes for the summer.
At first I thought it wasn't anything weird. You know, him just wanting to hang out with me more, coming into my room more often and shit like that.
But over the course of a few days, I noticed the weird pattern. The off handed comments and shit like that. Like the other day, I went into their room just to bother them and he was sitting with my brother's laptop watching hentai. (Nothing wrong with that, I watch it sometimes. Not to get off, it just entertains me. He gets off to it though, he's admitted it.) Now, I was going to tease him about it when he offered that I should watch it with him. Now, this could've been a joke but it still made me uncomfortable. Because I see him as my little brother and it's just weird. Though, I brushed off the incident as quickly as I could.
Fast forward to today. We get up and go to the pool, ya know just to have fun. I had no interest getting in the pool so I stayed back in the hot tub to relax and text my girlfriend. Later, they decided to come in and started playing around for a bit. They then decided it would be fun to try to throw me in the pool. It was innocent and I found it funny.
It got to the point My brother getting tired of dragging me, but for some reason my step brother wanted to keep going, even wrapping his arms around my waist to pick me up bridal style. Now that doesn't seem much and like I'm being overdramatic, but when it comes to someone touching my hips or holding me..I get uncomfortable unless it's someone I love romantically. An example of this is when I visited my uncle, he kept his arm around my waist and held me close to point he wouldn't allow to push away because he only held tighter. He even kissed my hand, which bothered me the most about the whole thing. Granted he was drunk but I was scared and uncomfortable.
From then on, it seemed like Tyler made an effort to keep touching me and picking me up from my waist/Holding me by my waist or even getting as close to me as he possbily could. He even made a comment about squeezing my boobs and some incest jokes as well. It's not even the first time this has happened, matter of fact. My brother even told me that Tyler has said he likes me so that freaks me out the most.
Heh, this isn't even the first something like this happened to me too. Especially a family member. But the incident I'm about to talk about is more extreme.
I had a cousin that visited me in Florida about two or four(?) years ago, we were the same age during that time. We went out swimming on the beach and he kept groping my chest and butt while we were in the water, and everytime I confronted him, he'd lie or just laugh it off. He'd ask me if I had a boyfriend and shit like that. It even gotten to the point he tried to sexually assault me while everyone was asleep. Luckily my brother woke up and he stopped. A year pasted and guess what? He still did the same thing! He'd try to pin me down so he could touch me while he played it off like we were fighting; he even handcuffed me (toy handcuffs but he had the key to them) at one point but I still kicked him off. As elaborate As it seems, this shit has happened. Needless to say I slept in my other older cousin's room after she came back from work. And don't get started on a few other incidents with people and family... *Shivers* Man, I need my therapist again...
Am I saying Tyler would do something like that? No. But you have understand why I'm freaking out so badly. It could just be harmless fun and shit and my ptsd is just acting up but...I don't know. At least writing this out has calmed me down..
Heh, I'd be surprised if anyone reads through all of this. If you did, you're a champ. *Chuckles softly but sighs*..I'll just do my breathing exercises and draw, then try to get some rest. I don't need any relapses.. I really do hope people just skip over this or something..
