Blunderball

Jurassic Pork

"Welcome..." announced that Attenborough guy. Not David Attenborough. The other one. "...to Jurassic Pork!"

"Oink," said the park's only exhibit, contentedly.

"What makes this Jurassic, exactly?" asked Sam Neill.

"Didn't you hear?" asked...I think it's Rupert? Rupert Attenborough. "This pig—this specific pig lounging in its own filth right in front of you right now—has been back in time. To the Jurassic period."

"Does...does it do anything?"

"It'll absolutely hoover up apples!" Rupert threw one to the pig, who did indeed snaffle it with great enjoyment. There was much crunching, and a great deal of piggy grunting.

"So InGen bought an island."

"Yes."

"And built a time machine."

"Yes."

"And sent this pig back in time."

"Yes."

"And is now exhibiting the pig as a theme park attraction."

"Yes."

"Can I see the time machine?"

"Absolutely not. But the pig you're looking at now—this exact pig—has been back in time. Of that I can assure you."

"But there are no, say, dinosaurs or anything. And no visitors to the park get to go back in time themselves?"

"Oh my, no. We had a word with Jeff Goldblum. That sort of thing would be way too dangerous. Life, uh, finds a way and all that. But we're confident that a pig that has literally travelled back in time should be enough of a draw to generate the income we need to satisfy our investors."

"Oink," said the pig.

"Well..." Sam Neill looked at the pig. It was a very good pig. It had the air of a pig that had been some places and seen some things. Possibly including dinosaurs. "Granted, that is quite impressive, but are you sure you wouldn't prefer to set up a really complicated facility with electric fences and genetically modified dinosaurs and a Unix system? That seems as though it might make for a more satisfying story."

"It's very tempting," agreed Rupert Attenborough, "but again, we talked it over with Jeff and we feel as though Jurassic Pork is far less likely to result in a cascade of cumulative mishaps and ultimately mass dinosaur maulings. Might I remind you that the pig lying in front of us right now has been back in time nearly 200 million years? That's pretty neat, right?"

"Yeah," conceded Sam Neill. "I guess so. It just feels like a bit of a let-down narrative-wise."

"Eh." Rupert Attenborough shrugged. "Safety first."

"Oink," said the pig.