Gawsten Imagines

eight: california heavens

prompt: the last sky

Awsten sat between my legs; his back pressed against my thighs and his hands gripping mine with such a strong grip it burned, but I wouldn't stop him. His oncologist had let us up onto the roof. It was a rare occurrence, and as much as I would have loved to cherish every moment up there, Awsten's sobbing and choked gurgles distracted me.

"Baby," I whispered, leaning in to kiss his cheek. The skin was still so soft, and bounced back effervescently. "Aws, baby, I know this is so scary, but I'm gonna be here the whole way."

"I'm a ticking time bomb, Geoff." My boyfriend turned around in my hold, and I moved his IV pole to prevent strain. "I'm a clock. For every second that goes by, my time on earth gets less and less." Aws' hands grabbed at my cheeks with a hard grip. "And when my time runs out, I'm gonna die, Geoff. And I'm gonna leave you all alone."

I cupped Awsten's cheek with tears in my eyes. "It's nicer up there." I gestured to the sky. "You'll be okay up there. No more hurt. No more IVs and pokes. No more cancer, baby. There's no lymphoma up in heaven." My baby boy sighed, leaning against my chest as the tears started to fall from his eyes.

"Are you gonna be okay, Gee? When I'm gone?" Awsten shuffled closer to me. He craved closeness, and I knew right now it was the only thing keeping his heart beating. What I did for him was more than any machine or medication could.

"Yes, Awssie, baby, I will be okay." I kissed his forehead and watched as a shiver ran down his spine. It was chilly, despite Awsten's beanie, sweater, leggings, and boots. I told him we didn't have to come out here tonight, but Awsten was adamant. He wanted to see this sunset, incase it may be the last his eyes would land on. "Because as long as you're happy and pain free, I'll be okay."

It had been a week since we stopped Awsten's treatments. All the chemo. The radiation. The surgeries. The steroids. The dozens upon dozens of bone marrow stimulant drugs. The machines that kept Awsten's heart beating when his lungs gave out. He was done. He had fought this disease bravely for seven long, nearly unbearable years; it was time for him to go.

On this day, May 18th, Awsten was given a maximum of one week before his heart would stop....this time for good. In the four years I'd been dating Awsten his heart had given out four times. I was unfortunate enough to witness two of them. His heart rate plummeted, then he started to violently shake. Awsten's back would rise off the bed in a convulsion before he would flatline. Nurses and doctors would surround him and resuscitate his lifeless body as I screamed and sobbed. This time, there would be no resuscitation. Even though it hurt, Awsten couldn't fight anymore. He had given this disease his all for the majority of his life. Now, it would take his life.

"Awsten! Sweetie, look." I carefully helped Awsten turn around, being cautious of the numerous chords leaving and entering his body. "It's the sunset, hun; the sunset." Aws' eyes widened as he looked out over San Francisco. His eyes were so gorgeous in every aspect of the word. They glimmered just perfectly in the light. The different pigmentations in his variating colors made him look ten times more beautiful. Every time our eyes met I would feel my stomach do flips and my heart rate speed up. Awsten's eyes are definitely one of my favorite things about him. I dread the day I can no longer stare into them; lovingly, longingly.

"Birdie!" Awsten gasped, pointing out to the pink sky. "Gee! Birdie!" My eyes had just enough time to focus to see a blue jay jetting across the pastel sky.

"It's a very pretty bird, baby boy." I rested my arms around Awsten's waist and put my chin on his shoulder. There was barely any sound cutting through the dense air. A sense of calm washed over me. For a moment in time, everything was okay. Even if Awsten was dying. We were okay. He was happy. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy.