Gawsten Imagines

six: night

prompt: "It's me! It's me! Calm down, baby, please!"

I could feel Otto kicking my ribs, begging me to get up, just barely. I had no idea what hour it was; all I knew was that I was on the kitchen floor and my back was killing me. "Awsten....get up right－" Otto was cut off by one of Geoff's screams, and that's when I was on my feet, running towards our shared bedroom, which I had never made it to the first time around.

Geoff was sitting straight up in bed, his eyes wide and his chest heaving at an ungodly rate. I quickly swung myself so I was straddling his thighs and cupping his cheeks. "Geoff. Geoff, babe, it's me. It's Awsten. I'm right here." His blank stare never left the wall; he never blinked, not even for a moment.

Geoff's hands shoved me a few seconds later. It was weak and he was out of focus, but it was still enough to throw me off track. My train of thought was derailed from the small shove to my shoulders. "Baby, baby." I whispered softly, cupping Geoff's chin and attempting to turn his head to face me, with no luck. I could sense Otto standing in the doorway, watching, but I didn't care. All I cared about in this very moment was making sure my boyfriend was okay.

Another sharp shove landed on my body, this time to my ribs. I was successfully pushed off Geoff's lap, and he cowered back quickly until his back hit the headboard and he let out a shriek. He was in a trance. He had no idea what was happening. Geoff wouldn't remember a thing when this was all over. And yet....he couldn't control it.

My boyfriend was haunted by PTSD, anxiety, panic disorder, and depression. He had been since I met him. For as long as Geoff could remember he knew this world and this world only. The mental illnesses that ruin his life and harbor him from any job besides this band and the result of a ruthless abusive father; one that he endured for fourteen years of his life.

It all finally came to an end when Geoff got enough balls to call CPS. It probably saved his life. But, it scarred him beyond repair. Geoff and I had just celebrated three years together, but because of the sexual assault he went through as a child, I hadn't been able to touch him at all yet in our relationship. He hadn't touched me. Not in that way at least. But....I didn't mind. I would have done anything to keep Geoff comfortable.

I moved forward to him on the bed, cautiously touching his face and placing my hand on his ribs. His breathing was erratic against my palm; his chest rising and falling in a rhythmic way. It was as if Geoff was the drums in a metal band. His heart beat fast and his chest moved with every quick, close-together, hasty breath. "Geoff." I whispered gently before leaning in. My lips barely grazed his; but my intention wasn't to kiss him. It was to ground him, to bring feeling back to an area he had lost.

He started to violently shake between my hands. I tried to steady him, but there was no use. I'd tried many times to stop Geoff's attacks when they got to this rate, albeit I hardly ever got a successful result. I scooched back slightly, my hands remaining against Geoff, applying pressure and just simply holding him in place as best I could.

I had to yell when Geoff's nails dug into my forearm. I knew he couldn't help it, but sometimes yelling was the only thing that brought his brain back down to Earth. "It's me!" I yelled, cupping both his cheeks with my hands. I held onto him so tightly I worried I might break his jaw, but I knew that wouldn't happen. When it game to Geoff and his attacks, I knew exactly what I was doing....each and every time. "It's me! Calm down, baby, please." I spoke as levelly as I could, just in a desperate attempt to bring Geoff back down to me.

Slowly, his eyes regained their focus and made their way down to meet mine. I smiled up at Geoff as I sat back on my heels, Otto still leaning in the doorway. He had lived through another attack. It had passed once more. They always passed, even if in the heat of them my boy didn't believe that. I lifted myself up to press my lips firmly against his. My body nearly melted when Geoff kissed back. His senses had returned. His brain was connected to this world once again.

A water bottle was brought to his lips by Otto. Geoff smiled up at him; thanking him and yet apologizing for all he had seen tonight. "Oh....it's no big deal." Otto smiled at the two of us. "I'm glad I know how to take care of you now....how to get you out of your attacks."

"Hey," I smiled at Otto, pausing to kiss the neck of my lover. "That's my job."

"I know, I know." The drummer put his hands up in defense. "But just in case; now I know."

It took around an hour to get Geoff fully calm again. Otto passed back out on our couch, but I stayed cuddled into Geoff's side. My legs were intertwined with his, and my head laid on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat. After all Gee had been through, his heart was still beating. Through all the heartbreak, trauma, love, and let down....Geoff's heart beat on. I was so grateful for that.

With his arm limp around me, Geoff dozed off. I prayed to a God I doubted that he'd sleep through the night. Even if he didn't, I was grateful I was right next to him. Just in case. So, as I laid pressed against his side, my head on his chest, I drifted asleep to the sound of his heart. That heart that beat....for me. The heart that should have stopped pumping blood by now. I always said Geoff was a fighter, and he proved it by all the shit he dealt with.

One last kiss to Geoff's shoulder, and I was passed out against him. I felt completely content with everything around me, for the first time in a long, long while.