avengers imagines smut/fluff/angst

lost (pp)

a/n- this is similar to another imagine i've done but i think this is better. please read the whole thing and grab the tissues.
warning- suicide, death, self harm

the water raced down my body, hitting the tiled floor with a slap. i turned up the shower heat, attempting to thaw my insides. no matter what i tried, they were still frozen. my legs shook violently, almost collapsing beneath me. i rested my head against the cool wall behind the shower. i was numb. looking at my feet, i watched the blood, sweat and dirt trickle down the drain. my legs were stained red, my hands were caked with a thick layer of mud. as i balanced myself, i noticed a smear of deep red blood smeared across the wall. i gasped, reality finally setting in. my breaths became more frequent, i started to pant. my chest rose and fell quickly as i was suddenly hit by a wave of emotion. he was gone this time, really gone. not for a few days, a few weeks- forever this time. the memory replayed in my head, haunting me all over again.

flashback
i jogged towards the building, the orange and yellow hues of the sunset blinding me. the thick scent of smoke travelled through the air. i looked up to see smog and ash blackening the sky. i frowned, confusion prevalent. i clung to the small piece of paper, reading it for the hundredth time.
y/n,
i think i'm going to be gone for a while. i'm not quite sure where i'm going but i'm almost certain i wont be coming back. i'm so sorry, this isn't your fault and honestly, not asking you out the moment i saw your beautiful face will always be the biggest regret of my life. i love you more than words can say, always and forever. i wish i had more time with you, a chance to say goodbye and i'm so sorry that i don't. god i love you so much and thats why i'm asking you not to come after me. one day you'll understand, talk to mr stark. he'll explain everything. promise me you wont slip back into old habits. i'm so proud of you baby, my sweet, sweet angel. god, i love you, i love you. goodbye my love.
peter.
each word resonated with me. i traced my fingers over the clear tear marks staining the paper. i knew when i first read it something was very wrong. even if he was going away for years, he knows i would have waited for him. this note, this was a final goodbye. a suicide note. i didn't have time for him to explain, but i knew mr stark could help. "tony, hey. i need peters exact location. this is serious" i ordered. he chuckled. "okay missy. he's at... the junk yard, huh thats weird- anyway, don't be too harsh on the poor kid. and USE PROTECTION. i don't want any little peters runni-" he started but i hung up.
i read the note once more. suddenly i felt quite angry. if pete was having suicidal thoughts, why didn't he talk to me? he knew i suffered with depression and self harm in my past because he was the one that pulled me out of that dark place. he knew i would have done everything in my power to help him. these thoughts plagued my mind as i wandered around the junk yard. then i heard screams i recognised. peter. i ran towards the noise, uncontrollable yet cautious. i had to help him. the image i stumbled across wasn't one i had anticipated. spiderman, the guy i'd seen on TV for saving lives in New York, was being held in the air on the end of a spear like object, shoved through his stomach. you could hear the flesh tearing. i was frozen. i feared for my own safety but i couldn't tear my eyes away, staying hidden behind a car. i could hear the attacker laughing, a deep, throaty cackle, evil to the core. "let us see the agony upon your face SPIDER BOY!" he mocked, tearing the mask from the hero's face. i dropped to my knees, a soft sob escaping my lips. my beloved peter hung in the air, tears streaming down his cheeks. his face reflected his sheer terror. "oh. such a pretty face. SHAME!" the attacker laughed, pulling the weapon from peters stomach. finally, the attacker left in a car. through the dust and flames, i could see peters limp body. i ran, my knees buckling beside him. "you have to leave. y/n, go!" he groaned clutching his wound. "its okay. you're okay. every thing is fine. i'm calling 911. you're gunna be fine baby. you're okay" i said, fumbling with my phone. peter gripped my thigh. "yes- my boyfriends been stabbed- i'm at the junk yard- i, i don't know- please hurry- theres so much blood" i panted. my focus moved back to peter, pressing my coat over the wound to stop the bleeding. he screamed in agony. "its okay baby they're on their way. you silly, SILLY boy. i'm going to kill you, y'know that. when we get to the hospital, i'll kill you myself. you will be okay, you have to be. i, i cant live without you pete. i'm serious. you have to be okay, i-" i sobbed incessantly. he pressed his hand against my cheek, caressing it softly. "ssh angel, its okay now. i'm here. you'll be fine without me, you're so brave and i'm so proud of you. just never forget me okay because i will always love you, with all my heart" his breaths became shorter, he was starting to give up. "no. no, no, no. no, NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" i screamed. "don't you fucking dare pete, don't you dare leave me. look at me, baby eyes on me" i tipped his chin up and stared into his deep hazel eyes, filled with tears. the sunset colours fell on his face, oranges and yellows, pinks and blues shadowing every feature. "my angel" he whispered, eyes closing, mouth turned up in a smile. i panicked. "i love you" the words fell from his lips. the soft brown eyes that i fell in love with closed for the last time. he'd lost the fight. i screamed in agony, speechless. i could hear the sirens approaching as i shook him violently. "YOU'RE TOO LATE. HES DEAD. COME BACK. BABY YOU CANT LEAVE ME" i screamed as they attempted to drag his body away. "NO. BRING HIM BACK. I NEED HIM" i wailed. i watched as they stuffed his limp and lifeless body into a body bag.

i stumbled out of the shower, letting the pain flow through me. i fell to my knees, grasping the sink. a heavy weight in my chest shattered my heart, each tear a symbol of a shard wedged in my body. my sobs were raw, pure misery portrayed in each cry. the image imprinted on my mind. i shook my head but it wouldn't leave. i whined, crying for my baby to come back. don't slip into old habits i heard the words echo around my head. "i'm sorry" i whispered, needing to stop the pain. physical pain to mask mental anguish. cutting myself wasn't enough, i couldn't take it anymore. flinging open the bathroom cabinet, i eyed my anxiety medication. grabbing the bottle, i downed the entire thing. it fell out my hand and i dropped to my knees, free to go home.
••
a/n
surprise surprise. i made myself cry.