Welcome Home, You Fantastic Bastard (Frerard)

3 - It's Not As Easy As You Think

"You're letting me stay?"

"I- I don't know... I mean, if you want to, I'd really like that," Gerard replied shyly. "I know we didn't leave off on the best of terms, but I missed you to death, Frank".

"Does this mean we're back together?" I asked, trying not to let my excitement show. Of course, I had missed being with him over the three long years as well. I absolutely loved him, and back then, I was hoping to spend the rest of my life with him. I had almost bought a ring and everything, but unfortunately, that was around the time I got arrested. I wanted more than anything to be able to ask him now, but I knew it was way too soon.

"I don't know yet," Gerard hesitated, "I'd rather think about it first".

That was not what I was expecting to hear at all. 

Giving him a look of disbelieve, I replied, "Are you kidding me? Just last night you were bawling your eyes out in my arms telling me how sorry you were. Not to mention, you literally had sex with me earlier this morning".

Gerard remained silent and gazed down at the floor, his stringy hair falling into his face, almost acting as a barrier between us. I stood, impatiently tapping my foot, waiting for him to give me answers.

"I haven't been thinking straight about all of this," he admitted. "I was just so relieved to finally be seeing you again that... I don't know". Not sure of what else to say, Gerard crossed his arms, still desperately trying not to meet eyes with me.

I couldn't fucking believe him. One minute it seemed as if he loved me again, and the next he was trying to distance himself from me, because of what had happened in the past. I had changed, though. He may not have realized it yet, but three years in prison really gave me a plentiful amount of time to think about my life and all my mistakes, especially the ones I made with him. 

I just couldn't deal with his hesitation at that moment. I already had a hell of a day yesterday, and honestly, for my first full day out of prison, I was hoping for something a bit more relaxed.

Letting my anger consume me, I raised my voice at him, "You're such an asshole, you know that? I'm leaving". So, with one last look at the hurt expression on Gerard's face, I turned away and stormed out the door without another word. Behind me, I could hear Gerard struggling to come up with something to try to stop me, but it was no use.

"Frank, wait! I'm sorry. Please don't leave me again!" Gerard cried down the hall. I could hear the pain in his voice, which told me he was being sincere, yet something inside of me refused to listen to a word he had to say or even care at all about how he felt.

As I entered the elevator and angrily smashed the button for the first floor, I swore I could hear Gerard start to sob again. Although, instead of running back to comfort him, I simply closed the elevator doors.

...

After I had left Gerard's apartment building, having no idea to whether or not I would be returning any time soon, I roamed down the calming early-morning streets. I honestly didn't have the slightest clue to where I was heading, but I didn't care at that moment. As long as Gerard was out of my face for now, I was perfectly fine.

It felt so odd being out of prison. Everything felt so out of the ordinary. I had just gotten so used to living behind bars and abiding by someone else's rules. Now that I was free, it almost felt as if I really had no life anymore.

A small part of me deep down inside almost wanted to return to prison. I always got fed, and was guarantied a place to sleep. As long as I behaved myself, life was fairly decent, that is, until I began to miss Gerard. Then, everything seemed to turn into absolute hell for me, and for the first time in a long time, I had felt the need to make things right.

If Gerard didn't exist, I most likely would try to get myself thrown back in a cell. But I loved Gerard so much, and all I wanted was for him to feel the same way towards me again. And maybe that way there would still be a chance that life could go back to the way it was in our blissful, carefree past.

Aimlessly, I continued down the streets, observing the brilliant sun peak out from the horizon, painting a peaceful morning sky. I forgot how beautiful sunrising were honestly, and taking the time to actually admire one again was making this one seem surreal. 

Gerard and I used to watch sunrises together. Most of the time we slept in too late, but on the rare occasions that we woke up early enough, the two of us would cuddle in bed as the sunlight beamed in through the bedroom window. Nothing ever went wrong on those mornings. We just gently talked with one another, with Gerard usually having to nudge me every now and then to prevent me from falling back asleep. What I wouldn't give to go back...  

With my eyes locked on the golden sky, my mind clinging harshly to past memories with my true love, and my feet continuously walking forward to some sort of imaginary place, I didn't even realize that I had somehow managed to wander into the middle of a fast moving street. Within seconds, a car's brakes were screeching to a halt, but unfortunately, the car was simply moving too fast to be stopped in such a short amount of time.

Without really realizing what was happening, I was suddenly shoved forward by a massive force, causing me to crash to the ground and skid across the rough concrete street. Lying on my side, an intense wave of pain followed shortly after I ceased to move anymore. I tried to call out for Gerard with the only strength I had left in me, but it was no use. I could barely even manage a whisper.

I knew he wouldn't be able to make it in time anyway, even if he were to somehow have been able to hear me. 

Surely, I was never going to see him again. If only I had treated him better. If only I could have told him I loved him one last time, instead of abandoning him when he needed me most. I was going to die without Gerard by my side, and that was, by far, the worst feeling in the world. 

...

Strangely enough, I felt myself waking up. I couldn't see or hear very well at first, but my senses seemed to slowly be coming back to me. What was happening? Where was I? I attempted to sit up a bit from where I was apparently lying, but pain shot through my body, forcing me to come crashing back down. Although, it wasn't an uncomfortable road that I fell back on like I had earlier. It was a bed. Were there really beds in Hell?

Frustrated about what was happening and where I was, I groaned and tried opening my eyes, but they were simply to heavy, and I was far too weak. However, my hearing seemed to have been restored, because all of a sudden, I heard a soothing voice coming from my side. 

"Frankie?" The voice repeated itself, a bit louder than before. It sounded excited. I swore I had heard that same excitement in someone else's voice before. In fact, I believe it was when I asked out someone very special to me, many years ago. He had been overjoyed, and I remember I had never felt so accomplished or happy when he replied with a definite, "yes".

I knew this voice all too well, and I loved it more than anyone else. 

"Gerard," I replied, my eyes finally shooting wide open with the realization that the only person that mattered to me in the world was right beside me. 

My vision was still a bit blurry and adjusting to the unexpected, bright lighting, but I could still make out the look of relief that quickly spread across Gerard's face, followed by his lovely, toothy smile. Seeing him happy made me instantly mimic him, and soon, the two of us were both grinning with pure joy.

"I was so worried that I'd never see you again," Gerard practically whispered, his eyes beginning to water, yet keeping his smile in place. "I really thought you left me for good this time..."

"I'd never leave you forever, Gee," I replied honestly. "I love you so much, and I promise you with all of my heart that I will never leave again...unless of course, you want me to".

Gerard giggled a bit at that, "I love you too. I don't want you to ever leave. I'd never want that. You mean so much to me. I want to be with you forever". 

Forever.

That word gave me hope that things would turn out for the two of us, which at that moment, that's all I really wanted, but then again, I suppose that's all I ever wanted.