when how and why•tyrus

•6•

"oh i'll keep you company!" jonah offered quickly.

"no no i want to be alone." i said fast and his smile dropped.

"oh," he laughed humorlessly "ok." he turned back to the conversation and i went to grab my lunch box before going to the library.

when i reached the large book filled room i quickly saw tj. he was standing next to a shelf which he was barely shorter than.

he turned around when he heard my foot steps enter the quiet space. a smile crossed his face and he led me to a corner which had a small couch in it.

he sat first and i followed and began to pull food out of my lunch box. i always brough buffy hot cheetos and jonah a cosmic brownie. andi was too picky to bring food for. i held out the cheetos and brownie to tj.

"here." i said waiting for him to take them.

"i don't want to take your food." he casted his eyes towards the ground.

i laughed. "it's not for me. i bring it for buffy and jonah. i wouldn't eat it anyways."

"oh um. i still don't want it." he left his gaze on the carpet.

"ok?" i posed it as a question. then i noticed he didn't have any food. "where's your lunch?" i asked.

"i'm not hungry today." he mumbled.

"ok... well what did you want to explain?" i changed the subject and he finally met my eyes again.

he stayed quiet.

"tj?" i asked but he didn't say anything. "are you just gonna blow this off?"

"i-" he paused. "i don't know how to say it."

i rolled my eyes and started to get up. "find me when you do." i started to leave when he pulled on my arm.

"wait." i turned back, angry, but then i saw the look in his eyes. pain. i sat back down and waited. "i'm never gonna be able to say it cyrus." i wanted to be mad but when i could feel his anxiousness i just couldn't be.

i sighed. "i'll ask questions."

he let out a breath i didn't realize he was holding. "thank you so much." he sounded genuine.

"mhm." i mumbled and tried to think of a starting point. "mental or physical?" i decided.

"mental." he wasted no time answering.

"is it an illness?" i asked.

"uh, yeah."he said while focusing intensely on the floor.

"harmful or not?" i questioned.

he ran a hand through his hair and i knew i wouldn't like the answer. "not usually. well at least not with other people." he said quietly.

"but it's harmful to you?" my concern was growing rapidly.

he ran both of his hands down the back of his head and rested them on his neck before sighing and letting go. "only if i let it be."

"you're letting it be right now? aren't you? you're not eating tj." i realized.

he squeezed his eyes shut and lowered his face into his hands. "i'm sorry." he sounded on the brink of tears.

i placed my hand across his back and pulled his closer. "it's not ok and i won't pretend it is. but do you have a eating disorder?" i asked scared for the answer.

"no. maybe. i don't know anymore." he looked up and his eyes were filled with fear.

"that's not what you wanted to explain right now though. i can tell. do you have bipolar disorder?" i proposed.

"no." he shook his head.

"borderline personality?" i asked.

he just shook his head again. this time i took longer to think.

"what's the worst side affect? not like the main thing?" i questioned.

"ugh the headaches! no doubt." he didn't hesitate one bit.

i kept thinking and when the answer popped into my head i wished i could un-think it.

"you-" how could i say this right? "you're schizophrenic, aren't you tj?" our eyes met and i knew i got it right. "you don't have to answer." i put my hand on his knee which was exposed. "i know tj. it's okay." i whispered but i could only hope i was right.
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i'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head-halsey;control

sorry i'm so tired there might be problems don't be afraid to point them out.