Adiza - The Heart Is A Mess (slow UPDATES, EDITING.)

2 - Oh Boy!!

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ADITI

In all the stupid things that I could do, I don't know how I end up doing the most stupid of it all.

This morning, when I woke up before coming to work, I had decided that I was going to steer clear of Zain. I had made up my mind that I was going to gently decline his proposal and tell him that I don't know if a relationship is going to work between the 2 of us seeing as i just came of a bad relationship.

It has already been a week since he proposed to me and yesterday he came to me just when i was about to leave, telling me that he has already finished thinking about it even though he doesn't really even need to think about it but just for my own peace of mind he has thought about it over and over again and he still knows that he is in love with me. His exact words were:

"Aditi, you told me to think about my feelings for you and that i should sort out my feelings before i talk to you again about them and i just want to tell you that i still love you and thank you for asking me to think about it because now i am more sure of my feelings towards you.
Now that i have done what you asked of me, i want to know if you feel the same about me too.
I love you Aditi, i really do and i want to have something special with you.
You asked me to think about it and i have thought about it and i am very sure you also have been thinking about what i said so please, tell me, what do you feel about me?"

I was startled because he took me by surprise, so not knowing what to said to him

" I need time to think Zain, this is all too much "

For a moment i thought he was going to argue with me but he surprised me by saying,

"OK, sleep on it, i will see you tomorrow. I just wanted to tell you how i feel", with that he left and i just stood there looking at his retreating figure.

My feelings where all so jumbled up and all over the place when i reached my apartment, i really don't know what to do about the situation.

I like Zain, i really do but i am just not ready for a relationship.

Sitting alone in darkness at home gave me ample of time to think and after thinking a lot, my decision to not get into a relationship became firm. No matter how much i like Zain, it's just not the time. I am just not ready.

I have been in a relationship for very long time with one person that i forgot how it feels like to be single, I want to allow myself to be free and single and enjoy life as a single lady.

With that last thought i went to bed yesterday.

When i woke up this morning and after getting ready for work, i had decided that I was just going to tell him that i was not ready for a relationship at the moment and we should just continue being friends BUT i didn't even get the opportunity to tell him that.

The moment i reached sets this morning, i felt something was off with Zain, so i decided to not approach him until he is in a better mood and just walked to my makeup room.

I had just entered my room when Zain came in after me and said something and just like that we started arguing.

Truth be told, i can even remember what he said to tip me off but he did say something I did not like. Something which made me angry. Also he was in a very bad mood, so that fire didn't really need more fuel to ignite itself. I just blasted on him.

We both exploded on each other like time bombs.

We were arguing, loudly if i might add, and we have been going on about it for a while and i was starting to get frustrated with all the loud voices. I had a slight headache due to the fact that I didn't sleep well last night, so i just stood there and stared while he was going on and on about something about an Instagram post or something, it was at that moment that i decided I've had enough.

I let my anger consume me, making me lose my mind. I just wanted to shut him up, so I did the only logical thing to me at that moment. I went for the kill, I just grabbed his face and kissed him. Right On his lips.

He was startled, obviously, I would be too if he did that to me, but his surprise only lasted for a few moment before he started responding.

It was sloppy and wet and exciting and hot and also very very passionate. It was also short but in that short while both of us kissed each other furiously, it was like we were taking all the anger we felt for each other in the the kiss.

All too soon, i suddenly realized what was happening. I gently unentangled my body from his, stretched out my clothes, looked into the mirror beside him and straightened my hair a little.
When i was done, I just walked out of the room not saying anything to him and he just stood there looking at me.

It was when i was about 20 feet's from my make up room that i released the breath i didn't even know i was holding and it was also at that moment that i fully started to realise what really happened.

That was not supposed to happen and now i don't even know what i would say to him when i see him because its all my fault.

There are several ways to tell a guy you are not interested in seeing him and that is definitely not it.

It definitely isn't it.

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I want to know your opinions about it and if i should continue or not.