Frozen (Frat Boy Niall) EDITING

Chapter 44

  "You don't understand, Niall." I could hear my voice crack, even in the most quiet of whispers. His fingers were feathers against my skin as he lightly ran them over my arm. "I don't want to shut anyone out, let alone you. But, I can't help it." Don't cry. Don't cry.
"I...I fucking hate myself." I couldn't help it as the build up behind my mask became too weak and a tear slowly slid down out of the corner of my eye.

  "Hey, no. Shhh." Niall tightened his grip on me, holding me even closer, as if in fear that if he let me go I would disappear. The scary thing is that I was afraid of that too.
 
  "No, Niall, that's the truth!" My voice raised as well as the temper that was running through me, striking every nerve. "I hate myself. I hate the way I feel. I hate the way Luke made me feel. I hate going to sleep every night with the memory on ny mind. I hate knowing that it's my fault. I am just so stupid! I hate knowing that I was so fucking stupid to not listen to what everyone was telling me!"

"Khloe, please stop." He whispered, snugging his head closer to my neck as he nudged the fallen hair away with his nose in order to place a kiss there. "You cannot blame yourself for whatever Luke did."

  I wish it was easier than that. But, it's not. That's not something I can just forget. Because the reality is that it did happen and it happened to me.

  "Niall, everyone told me. You even told me. And I just... I can't." I took a deep breath trying to calm myself. I just wanted to let it all out, tears and everything, but I wouldn't. I'm not going to cry about this. "Being there, and being the person with the lower hand.. you just wouldn't even imagine what it's like."

  I tried to make it a little easier for him to understand with out actually saying what happened because one, I don't want to revisit what happened, and two, I'm too embarrassed to say what actually happened.

  He didn't say anything for a few minutes, so instead we sat in a somewhat comfortable silence. I just stared out the window, watching as the sun peered through the halfbopen blinds and began to lighten the dark room. 

 

  I love how each morning the sun still rises no matter how much it's been put through. I wish I could be like that.

   Unfortunately, I'm only me, and when I'm knocked down, I usually end up staying down. That's why I have my barrier built. The barrier of being a bitch and being in control of my own actions because then I usually have the upper hand. I'm stronger that way. We'll except in this case, where Luke took advantage of me. He finally knocked it down, leaving me out in the open, where I'm vulnerable, as he took advantage of me. At the time I was just too blind to actually see it.

  "Remember.." Niall's soft and fragile voice broke my thoughts as his fingers started to trace my own. He paused, and I turned onto my back so I was able to see him better. He was staring at the ceiling before he looked down to me where his deep, royal blue eyes met my brown ones. "Do you remember when I told you about my dad?"

  He was drunk. We sat in his old room that night cuddled up to eachother in complete silence. His family is a very touchy subject, so it took me by surprise a little for him to mention them.

  I slowly nodded, focusing my eyes to our hands that he was still playing with. His fingers were like silk as they lightly slid between mine then down the back of my hand and then back up to my fingertips. I smiled as he continued. "Khloe, I do know what it's like to be the lower hand and have no control. I dealt with it from the age of five until I was sixteen. Hell, I still do now at

the age of twenty one, it's just not as bad because I don't live there." Niall shook his head slightly as if clearing the memories before looking back to our hands as well.