I'm running on a low amount of sleep, as is pretty typical for me on the daily.
I'm becoming manic in my sleep deprivation and the thoughts are flowing like a raging river.
Now I remember why I do this to myself...
Avoid sleeping at all costs to get this imagination lollipop 🍭
Those Einstein moments where you feel like a genius for coming up with them in the first place.
Although for me it's a bit different...
Those seemingly genius ideas are typically everyday thoughts for other people.
But for me I finally escape what I call my blonde moments on the daily.
For as long as I can remember I've felt like my mind has been slipping.
As I get older my thoughts have seemed to become more negative.
It feels like my intellectual prowess has been stifled for as long as I can remember.
Maybe it's because I don't read as much as I used to.
Maybe it's because my mental health is slowly deteriorating/ decaying...
I think the latter is more true or more of a factor that the first idea.
When the music is flowing I feel these thrills of what could be.
Prospects for my life I hadn't thought of before.
I'm in a chapter of my life where I have more control than I ever have before over what my future looks like.
I keep writing journals to record my hopes and dreams.
So they don't float away when the manic phase fades.
Before I got kicked out/ moved out of my sperm donor (bio father) & immature childish step mother's house; I had a pretty small amount of control over what my future looked like.
They controlled a lot of aspects of my life that left me trapped doing their whim, if I tried to stray away I was yelled at and punished for not respecting them.
I was not allowed to make stupid adolescent mistakes that a lot of people make in young adulthood.
I suspect their upraising affected how they treated me that way.
I'm not sure if I'll ever have the courage to stand up to them and tell them how I feel they wronged me.
I'm pretty fucked up mentally and emotionally so I'm scared af to even talk to them at this point.
I've learned they are manipulative people and I want nothing to do with them... that's all there is to it...
Now I am off to start the life I want to live!
I am in control of what I choose to do with my life and it is the best feeling in the world.
The freedom I have given myself brings me to tears with how happy it makes me.
I live with roommates.
I have friends who mean a lot to me.
The family I am in contact with on the daily supports me and the important goals I have set for myself.
& I've got a pretty amazing boyfriend.
I'm set for a better life and I cannot wait to see where it takes me!!!!!!
