Bob the King

Bob the King and the magic lamp

Once upon a time, there was a king named Bob. Bob was not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

One day, he was walking through the desert because his girlfriend, Elena, dumped him after only one minute. He hoped to die of dehydration.

Suddenly, he looked up and saw a temple-looking thing in the shape of a giant lioness.

"WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER?" She roared in a very unladylike tone of voice. Bob was taken aback.

"Hello, uh, miss. I guess I woke you up, hehe. I couldn't help but notice your voice. Its a bit scratchy. Would you like a lozenge?"

"ROOOAARRR!!!" The lioness roared. It seems like roaring is all she does, mused Bob.

"I WAS GOING TO ASK IF YOU WANTED THE MAGIC LAMP, BUT I WILL NEVER GIVE IT TO YOU NOW!" She raged with her nose in the air.

"Oh, you mean that thing?" Asked Bob, who had wandered inside, enthralled by all the enormous piles of shinies. The lamp was on a pedestal at the far end of the room. Bob reached out to touch it because it was definitely the shiniest of the shinies. As his hand closed around the handle, the lioness roared(of course), the ceiling started to crumble, and the floor started to shake.

Bob clutched the lamp and ran as fast as he could out into the desert. The temple dissolved into nothing as the lioness roared a last time "YOU WERE NOT WORTHY!"

Bob shrugged and gazed at his newly acquired shiny.

"Why did she call you a lamp? Don't lamps have posts and shades? I don't know what you are, but you're definitely not a lamp." He wiped a spot off of it with his shirt, and it started to vibrate.

"What the-" said Bob, dropping the weird not-lamp. Smoke began to billow out of it, taking the form of a shirtless man's head and torso.

"Greetings. I am a genie. I am bound by the laws of the universe to grant 3 wishes to anybody who rubs my lamp, even uncultured swine like you. Now what do you wish?" The genie sighed and crossed his arms.

Taken aback for the second time in 20 minutes, Bob cleared his throat, "I-I wish Elena would fall in love with me."

"Sorry, I can't do that." Said the genie, rolling his eyes.

"Why not?" Cried Bob, "It's all I want in my life right now!"

"Its one of the rules I have to follow. I didn't write the rules," The genie said with a shrug.

"Oh ok then," Bob thought for a second, "I got it! Can you bring my mom back from the dead? There's so much I want to say to her that I never got to say when she was alive. Mostly because couldn't talk yet because I was only a year old. Nah, that's a stupid idea."

"It is a stupid idea because I can't resurrect people either." Said the genie with another eye roll. Seriously, hasn't this guy ever read a book? The genie thought to himself.

"You can't what? Rescorrect?" Asked Bob, utterly confused.

"Resurrect, are you serious? It means I can't bring people back from the dead, idiot." Never before had the genie met anybody as brain dead as Bob.

Bob did not take kindly to being called an idiot.

"Do you have any idea who you're talking to? I'm the king of Randomia, and nobody calls me an idiot! You know what, I don't want any of your wishes! You're free to go." He kicked sand at the lamp and turned to walk away.

"Wait, hold on. You're freeing me?" Asked the genie.

"Uh, yea I guess. I said you're free to go. Now leave me alone, you meanie. I have to figure out how to get home now." Bob had thought about it and he really didn't want to die of dehydration.

"Wow you have no idea what you just did, do you? I'm free now! I don't have to follow the rules of the universe anymore! Thank you!" The genie was so happy to be free, he flew up in the air and did a flip.

"I'd like to do something nice for you," said the genie.

"Well, could you point me in the direction of my castle? I think I'm lost." Bob admitted.

"I'll do you one better, and teleport you there," said the genie.

"Telescope?" Bob was confused again, but the genie simply pointed at him and in a second, he was back in his royal chambers.

"What the grilled cheese just happened?!" Bob yelled in alarm, "I was just in the desert, and now I'm here? Did I get telescoped?"

Whatever happened, Bob was glad to be home. Even if he was lonely, at least he had his castle and loyal subjects. You never know, he thought, maybe Elena just wasn't the right girl. Any decent person would give him at least 5 minutes, right? Ill just have to keep looking.