Bloom #Wattpride

The beginning and the end

i was fourteen the first time i realized i liked girls. and not just in the "wow, Miley Cyrus has pretty eyes" sort of way or the "wow, feminism is pretty cool i hope all women have a good day" sort of way. it was a "wow, that girl in front of me in line at the grocery store is so pretty what would it be like to kiss her" sort of way. it was a "that girl looked at me and now my heart won't stop beating" sort of way. it was a "i'm supposed to be asleep but i can't stop thinking of the way that girls eyes shine when she smiles." sort of way. and then i thought

shit. what if i have a crush on this girl?

the next day my mom took me to the festival. i couldn't stop thinking about that girl all day. my mom would ask "what's on your mind" and i would say "oh, nothing" knowing damn well this is not "nothing" because those girls hands looked really soft and i wish i could hold them and i want her to tell me all of her secrets and laugh and fall asleep with me.

we walked and we walked and we walked. and walked. and walked some more. and a little more until finally my legs felt like they were going to give out.

"mom, i'm going to sit down here," i said, sitting at a painting station.

"okay, but don't get lost" she said and walked away. i sat there, the seat burned against my thighs like they always do and i was pissed because that girl wasn't here and i was pissed because i was confused and i was pissed because someone kept asking me if i want to paint and i didn't really want to paint i just wanted to sit and think and sort it out so i turned and stared at this old lady with a paintbrush in her hand and a cat on her shirt and thought "man how much of an ass am i if i decline this old lady a paint session" and so i got over myself and painted. i got over my frustration and started to paint a sun and she put a hand on mine and said stop. i stared at her and she stared back.

"paint what you feel, not what you wish you feel" she said and i stared at my sun and stared at the paint and i started drawing splats everywhere and squiggles and lines and when i finished i looked at it. it was chaotic and it was a mess but i only used bright colors so it was a bright chaotic mess.

"you are confused," she said. "what's wrong?"

i stared at her and i thought and when i say i thought i mean i really thought good and hard about whether or not i could trust her. she had the appearance of a sweet old lady, almost a "i can't ever do anything and my husband Hubert can't hear me", but so did the old woman in Hansel and Gretal and what did she do? she tried to eat them. but i figured being eaten by a scary old woman might be better than these stupid feelings so i told her.

"ok, lady, i'm telling you this but you can't tell anyone because  i'm trusting you with my life here. i like a girl which is weird because i'm a girl and i only like boys but when i look at her she makes my heart beat faster and my hands shake and my knees weak and my heart fills with love and i don't know what to do. and i don't know if i've ever actually liked a guy and maybe i was just scared into liking guys because my cousins screamed faggot at each other as a joke and maybe now i'm traumatized and i don't know what to do. " i was panting by now, my breathing wouldn't calm down and i was staring at her.

she starts to chuckle. "my dear, you should never let others scare you into fearing yourself."

"but i'm so scared of who i am. what if everyone hates me ?" i said back. my face was getting red and i felt hot. my eyes started to burn.

"they only hate what they do not understand. you, alone, can decide who you are. follow your heart and do not be afraid. a flower blooms in all of us, don't let yours be blocked from the sun by others."

i never met the lady or the girl again, but i'm 23 now. it's my wedding day, and i'm marrying the prettiest girl i've ever seen. she beats the girl in the store by a million miles. she's walking towards me, and all i can do is look at her and see she is my sun.

and i am just starting to bloom.