Thrills ⋆ Harry Osborn

⊳ 𝐱𝐱𝐢. One of the Greats

Not necessarily wanting to kiss him, to pull him under the covers, but to just be beside him, holding his hand and seeing his smile and hearing his laugh. Seeing his nose crinkle and touching his hair and combing through it. That's what she wanted – something entirely different than what she wanted from anyone else.

This wasn't physical, this was kindred. This was her wanting to be by his side forever and going through this stage of her life with him, this was her wanting to hold him in her arms and be held back. It was comfort, it was longing, it was her being free. Uncontrolled. Unbound by Alderson expectations.

"You can do this, you know?" Atlas turned to her, staring intently into her eyes. "Like, you got this and everything."

Toni rolled her eyes, feigning annoyance, though his vote of confidence in her went a long way. "I know that I can – hypothetically anyway – it's just the actually doing it thing that scares me."

Atlas rolled his eyes at her, sitting up straight and taking a drag before saying, "You've gone up to guys millions of times asking them to fuck you, what gives now?"

"Because I'm not asking anyone to fuck me, I'm asking Harry if he maybe likes me. There's so much more at stake with this because my feelings could actually get hurt," she explained. Or, well, partially explained anyway.

There was so much more than that. She could take rejection, even though she might cry a little (a lot) that night, but she just couldn't take for the first time putting herself out there for someone she genuinely wanted to be with and being shunned.

(Some part of her was scared that it would be her turning point, rejecting anything genuine and only pursuing the standard Alderson relationships. A loveless life for money and power, nothing genuine unless she had an affair – which would not be allowed in the slightest.)

He softened at her, as if understanding just a little more, though she was sure he couldn't fully understand her predicament. Only Finn could, because only he was a part of her fucked-up family who didn't believe in love. They weren't taught how to be real, they were taught how to reel someone in and keep them there – mainly for the women getting pregnant.

"Harry likes you. It's obvious to everyone but you, really, but he does like you. He's not going to reject you," he told her softly, taking her hand in his for some extra comfort.

She sighed, shrugging away and out of his reach. "Yeah, but sometimes liking someone isn't enough. I'm a fucking mess, Atlas, like a real fuck up. He might like parts of me, but he sure as hell doesn't like others. I don't even like parts of me."

She thought about Caden, how she invited him back in, how she let him use her to cheat on his girlfriend. Then she thought about how she told Harry, how he knew this. She hated this part of her, and he should too. There was nothing to like about her.

Atlas huffed at her. "You're overthinking this. He likes you, and it doesn't matter if he doesn't like some parts of you. You'll work it out together, and it'll be fine. Just let it be, okay?"

She wished she could. She could pretend to be carefree, but the truth was that she overthought every single thing in her life and picked it apart until it they were just broken pieces floating around in her brain and nothing was as beautiful as it was before. She couldn't just let things be, she had to ruin them because she was a destructive force of nature who couldn't allow herself to be real or good or genuine.

The Aldersons didn't do real happiness, and neither could she even though she craved it.

"I wish I could," she admitted to him, because life would be so much easier if she could just let herself be in the moment, let herself be happy, let herself not overthink everything in her life until everything was dull and no good anymore.