Always have been........always will. You have nothing to say, do, feel...because your life is just a mess. Everyone keeps saying, " yeah, I know how you feel, " but they dont. Nothing is as quite painful as this numbness inside you. Sometimes you don't want the ones you love most to see the real you, so you hide behind a mask. The one that says " I'm happy, I'm fine, my life's going great. " Because you're that person who hides a thousand nightmares, memories and everything that takes your joy away behind a smile. Then when you've worn the mask for too long, you forget who you really are. And then you remember. And remembering can be the worst thing.
Especially when you wake up in the morning thinking that normal people don't have to go through this. Normal people don't have to wake up every morning wishing they were dead. And those people at work, school or wherever it is you go, who make fun of you for your loneliness. And your parents who tells you to be happy...but telling someone like us, you, me to be happy is like telling a cancer patient to cure themselves. Because not even your family, or the people you live with know that you're that person who would cry in the bathroom and walk out pretending nothing happened.
And some of us can relate to when you're with your friends, or even imaginary ones, with a smile stretched across your face. But when night falls, that smile morphs into an unexplainable pain in your heart called sadness. And you're just sat there thinking about all the things you want to say, but wishing you never thought about them in the first place. All those things you wish to admit, but you don't even dare to say them out loud to yourself. And I always have been like this and probably always will be.
Explaining myself right now is the only real way that I can reach out to my friends.
And my biggest fear is that they'll see me the way I see myself.
