Tunog nagkukuwento kahit pa dapat ay binabahagi na kung ano ang nangyari sa nakaraan. Check the screen shot, it feels like the speaker is talking with the reader or nagging with someone. That's incorrect application of flashback. Even with those normal narration, there are times that the speaker talks with me, as if did I say something? HAHA
2.2 Redundant.
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Ang dialogog ay automatic na sumigaw tapos may narration pa. Redundant.
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Second sentence and third are redundant.
Suggestion: Malayo pa lang ay naririnig ko na sila Dave, Ken at Migz. Sila ang solido kong kaibigan noon pa man, dahil wala kaming iwanan kahit highschool na.
2.3 Direct characterization but failed application.
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Base sa takbo ng kuwento, mukhang hindi naman brat si Grachelle. Kung ganito ang way of introduction, magiging spoiler or filler ang dating. Kung baga sa handaan, hain ng hain e pihikan 'yung kakain. Hindi niya gusto ang handa kaya hindi niya papansinin.
Another thing, since per chapter you had this strategy that both sides was exposed on the same situation. And Kyle did give some idea about Grachelle, it is annoying for another telling about themselves. Why not move forward for another scene, para wide ang range. May progress.
2.4 Inner thoughts na against sa totoong nararamdaman. Sa totoo lang hindi ko nagustuhan ang pasok, kasi parang niloloko niya ang sarili niya. You can find it in chapter four. Observe this in the near future of editing, surely you will revise this.
