We

five

Nate seemed distracted by something. I looked down to see that I was still shirtless and supporting a nasty bruise. A majority of my stomach was black. I quickly scanned the room and found my shirt neatly folded on the recliner. I slipped it on, but Nate was still in a trance of the female body. I snapped my fingers and he snapped out of it.

"Oh, sorry. No, they're in the backyard. The plans changed into a barbeque, so we're grilling some stuff and then watching the game," he replied, a blush tinting his cheeks. "That's a really nasty bruise.

A small, giddy grin was begging to emerge from my cold, dead heart, but I suppressed it. "I'll get some Arnica on it. I'm gonna head upstairs and shower."

We were still only a few inches apart, the tension was still there, so I decided to smash it by sliding past him and going upstairs. I looked outside to our deck to see Rudy manning the grill. Jason was talking to him about something. Rudy had brought his yellow Labrador retriever over, Lenni, and she was running all over the backyard. The rest of the guys were playing basketball again. I saw Nate slip out the basement door and join them on the 'court.'

I walked down the hall covered in photos of a smaller, more innocent me to my room, where I got everything ready to shower. I heard a knock on my door.

"I'm decent," I called in response. The door opened to reveal Axel in an 'I'm disappointed in you' pose. "So yes, I was day drinking, but in my defense, I didn't bring the alcohol, and I have cancer."

"That's exactly why I'm mad. You can't be this reckless anymore. You're not invincible," he yelled.

"I know," I replied.

Axel let out a big sigh and he looked like he was going to punch something. "No you don't. You don't-"

"I do. I know and maybe that's why I'm being stupid, taking more hits than I can handle, drinking at a nail salon, and just generally stupid. I'm not invincible. You heard what the survival rate is, you know that I'm not gonna make it past this, no matter how many treatments they do. I don't want to die a loser. I can handle dying a nerd, but not someone who was a baby bitch when it came to rules and guidelines!"

I didn't realize that I was crying until I felt the tears fall off my chin. I stormed off past Axel, not letting him respond, to our shared bathroom, where I tried to lock the door. It doesn't always work, stupid old house. I hung my towel on the back of the door and turned the hot water on. I left it going until the whole room looked like a hotbox. I set a timer on my phone for one minute.

The tears started and caused my whole body to shake. I tried to wipe them away, leaving me with raccoon eyes. Ever since I was diagnosed, I didn't let myself react for too long. I didn't want to spiral into depression and spend the rest of my days as a sad potato with chemicals going into her veins. Every day, I let myself have one minute to freak the fuck out. It helped. It soothed me. The timer went off and wiped the tears away, leaving those emotions behind and stepping into the next minute of my life.

That was much more metaphorical than me stepping into the shower, but I did that next. Showering had become my escape. No one could bother me, and I didn't have to worry about anything except getting clean. I bet if I still went to a shrink, he/she would say it represents rebirth or some bullshit, but I just thought the water felt nice. Once I was done using up all the hot water, I walked back to my room and went through the normal routine that allowed me to look decent.

I threw on my Penguins jersey that was three sizes too big, oh well, and some Nike shorts. I walked out into the family room and looked out to see everyone still doing what they had been doing before. It made me happy that they were doing stuff without me. That Axel figured out where all the grilling stuff is, or Rudy finding the bottle opener. They could handle one night without my assistance. I walked outside to be greeted with a big hug from Rudy. Lenni came over to greet me by licking my bare legs.

"How are you feeling, kiddo?" He asked, turning back to the grill to flip the burgers.

"Good, I'll be even better if you made your-"

He cut me off. "Yes, I made my onion burgers. What did you take me for? A plebian who doesn't season their meat."

Brent interjected, "I can do stuff with meat."

Everyone burst out into laughter. "Good thing you're pretty," Rudy retorted, "Or else he'd be dead in a ditch somewhere."

"Funny that you say that..." Jason begins telling the story, and I tune it out. I wish I could tell them, but I hate when people worry about me. I am such a worrier. If I knew my best friend had cancer, I would lose it. "and she ended up not pressing charges."

Everyone laughed in response to that story, I could only give a half-hearted grin. Everyone retreated to small, side conversations. Rudy was talking to the lovebirds, and dumb and dumber were arguing over something stupid, I can presume. Nate came over and joined me and Lenni on my bench. It was technically mine because my dad and I built it.

"How are you feeling?" Nate asked, taking a swig of his beer. Rudy doesn't condone underage drinking, but he doesn't panic if we have a beer or two. Tequila, yes, he would panic. Whoops.

"Better, my headache is fading," I replied. Lenni was on the ground at my feet, being a sweet old girl. She always follows me around because ever since I was a kid, I used to drop or spill my food, and she's on clean-up crew. "Can you grab me some water?"

"Sure," he answered, smiling at me before heading inside. I really am not feeling good. It's true that I recover from alcohol very quickly, but the whole cancer thing was inhibiting that. Also, I have some nasty bruises coming on. There's the bad one on my stomach, one on my chest because Brent took a boob shot and missed, a few on my legs, and one hand shaped one on my arm from Satan. My doctor told me I would bruise, that was normal. So was spontaneous bleeding from the gums. So sexy.

Nate came back with a mug of water. I only liked drinking water out of mugs at home. I don't know why. It's a thing that I do, and pretty much everyone knows to only get me water in a mug. We all have our quirks.

"How are you really feeling?" Nate questioned in a hushed tone.

"Like literal shit. I can't bend over from this morning and there's like a Hulk inside my head, smashing without concern," I reply. "Lenni helps."

Nate looks down at Lenni and starts laughing. She is lying like a little, white frog. I smile at her and start laughing too.

"Can I ask you a question?" Nate starts. I nod. "Are okay after lunch?"

I sigh. He, more than anyone knows why I'm not okay right now. I shook my head and received a look of pity.

"I mean, today was nothing even close to what happened last year, so I'm fine. Not great, good, or okay. Just fine."

What a steaming pile of horse shit. 

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