I dial Marks number for what seems like the thousandth time and once again it goes straight to voicemail. I sigh and speak to his voicemail. ‘’ Hey Mark it’s me…again…if you would just call me back or maybe come to the house I’ll explain everything. Please talk to me…bye.’’ I run a hand through my hair and go check on Harmony. She’s sleep. Thank God I don’t know how I would be able to handle her right now. It seems like my world has been turned completely upside down and I’m just barely hanging on. I’m still stuck on this Jessica chick… Before in Miami some people would recognize me like this dude named Kayden when the girls and I went out to eat but still it doesn’t explain this whole Jessica situation I mean I’ve been in the store with Mark and even by myself with Harmony and nobody has ever come up to me asking if I was engaged to Zavian…maybe they didn’t recognize me with all the weight that I’ve lost but still this just doesn’t make sense… I mean unless this Jessica girl was some crazed Zavian fan but I just have this feeling that she wasn’t some crazed fan at all it’s like she knew exactly who I was and was maybe trying to get a rise out of me. Mark thought she had taken a picture of us. Why in the hell would she want a fucking picture of us? This whole damn situation is just so fucking confusing to me.
As much as I want to focus on this girl I shouldn’t because Mark is pissed with me. Gosh I was finally happy and once again some bitch had to come and fucking ruin it. I know I should have told him the truth from the beginning but I just couldn’t. I told him I was engaged but not to who and that we were just separated but once Zavian started showing absolutely no interest in me I told him that we called the whole thing off. I mean we might as well have actually done it. Zavian didn’t call. Barely text me and never even came down to see Harmony. I know he was busy and constantly on the road considering the finals and all but now that they’re done he still hasn’t seen her. It’s like we’re his second fucking priority. Yeah he sends us money but that’s about it. I told him I’d wait on him, but hell you get tired of waiting after awhile. I had my whole life on hold ‘’waiting’’ on his ass. I couldn’t wait any longer. maybe I would have lasted a little bit longer but Zavian went all nomadic and nonchalant on me so I moved on. I was starting to have more miserable than happy days. So when my happy moments started to outweigh the miserable ones I took what was giving me the happy moments. Nobody in their right mind stays miserable when they could be happy.
Shoot me for finally making a decision in my life that I felt like was right. Now that I really think about it I’ve never just trusted myself and gone with my own flow. I mean everybody has always made decisions for me or told what they thought was the best… Like Kevin when he wanted me to hook up with Zavian. I did it to make him happy and plus I trusted my big brother. Well now look where the hell I am… only reason I moved to Miami was because of Zavian…yes I wanted to be with him no matter what but I wasn’t ready to leave Texas. I should have stayed behind, but there’s no way I’d do that with me having been pregnant. if I wasn’t pregnant when he moved I would have stayed so I could find myself without him or Kevin guarding me. Going on this fucking break…all Zavians fucking idea not mine and now here I am confused as all hell because my life is so fucking complicated. My life was never a perfect one but if I could go back to how things used to be as kids with Kevin being my partner in crime with no significant others and any other bullshit that would keep us happy other than not being able to eat some ice cream or watch an R-Rated movie than I would build my own damn time machine and travel back.
Damn it. I don’t even know who the hell I am. I never imagined that I would be going through this hell I don’t even know what to call it-this fucking situation at such a fucking young age. I’m only 19. I shouldn’t be experiencing all of this bullshit. I walk into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water out of the package. The liquid cascades down my throat smoothly. tears brim the corners of my eyes but I can’t cry. I’ve cried too much. I used to think that showing tears meant that you were strong in some kind of way but all my tears reveal is weakness and a fucked up girl. What the hell is going on with me? I just don’t understand . Gosh I’m not a drinker but I could use a drink right now. I lean my head on the counter and let out a deep sigh. What the fuck am I going to do?
