QUICK T/W: this chapter contains vague references to suicide. It's not explicit at all but please be careful!!
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REMUS.
I waved my wand, and my trunk unpacked itself neatly. Sirius waved his and his belogings stuffed themselves in his trunk.
Two weeks with James's parents wouldn't be so bad for him.
I hadn't spoken a word since Dumbledore had left with James and Peter. So of course, Sirius spoke. "Listen, Remus, I..."
I couldn't look at him. I could hardly bring myself to speak as he trailed off hopelessly, but I knew exactly what his face was doing without looking. Those puppy dog eyes. The mournful ones.
"Why?" I croaked, still avoiding his eyes, bent over my bedside table.
"Be-because..."
Don't look at him or you'll snap.
"Snape was... he was going to tell everyone..."
Don't look at him-
"Do you ever think about anyone except you?" My voice cracked.
"There was nothing else I could do. I had to-"
Fuck. I looked at him.
"You had to?" I said softly, turning around. Why did he have to have that expression on his face?
"Had to? I had to be chained up once a month in my own house. My parents had to hear their child screaming and scratching the walls and not be able to do anything. They had to explain to me why i could never go to school. And when Dumbledore made it possible for me to go to Hogwarts, he had to plant a demonic tree over a hole in the ground so that i could go and tear myself up in an abandoned house instead of hurting others." I couldn't bring myself to shout at him.
"God, all these things that had to be done, all these necessary precautions, and every night i would lie awake thinking that it would be so much easier for everyone if i just died."
I closed my eyes and breathed. I felt like screaming, like punching the wall, like breaking apart the bed just to try and prevent the breaking apart of myself.
I've gone this far, I might as well...
"Then guess what? I met someone who finally made me feel like I should live, and I trust him, and he makes me feel like I belong. I nearly kill him, and he still stays by me. Then he betrays me. What do i do then? What do I have to do now?"
Sirius didn't reply. The expression on his face was that typical one. The one where he looked hurt but like he felt he deserved it. The one that stuck a knife in my chest and twisted it.
The curtains of the four poster bed rippled aimlessly in the breeze. I flicked my wand and Sirius' mess of clothes folded. I walked out, angry at everything. Angry at, above all, myself.
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SIRIUS.
I stood in front of the tapestry.
Reg was probably messing with me.
A room that comes and goes when you ask for something? Yeah right.
"Worth a try," I muttered.
What was I even asking for?
I need.... I need a place to forget. And regret. With alcohol. Scratch that last part, I'm underage.
