Look at me - Asanoya

chapter 15

>>It's trying not to love you, only goes so far
Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for
'Cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more<<

Asahi knocked on the bathroom door. There is no way he would risk walking in when there is a chance for things being uncovered.
- Just a minute – a familiar voice came in response, and maybe this would have been enough for him to leave Nishinoya alone, but a quiet sob that come after it made him rethink his actions.
The door opened with a creak, and suddenly Asahi was in a small bathroom with him, he was facing the small mirror, leaning on the sink, his head turned down, the unusually natural, hanging locks of hair hid his face.
Nishinoya noticed Asahi entering; even felt his shadow spread across him in the waning yellow light.
- What do you want? – He won't turn around; Asahi can't see that he was crying. Not now, when he put so much effort in pretending he is happy and sorrowless.
- Look, I know it is not the ideal situation, but for Suga's sake you could at least try to act normal, like you don't want to murder me. You are putting me in a really uncomfortable situation – Asahi answered calmly, but there was some unfamiliar distance in his voice that had an effect on Nishinoya as if he was kicked in abdomen. He was gripping the sink with such a force that his knuckles turned to white.
Maybe he wasn't pretending that good like he thought.
- I don't do anything else than trying to act normal...
- You are gazing.
It wasn't a question, Asahi have said it, just like he would tell what he had for breakfast, but even then his voice... His voice... Why was this polite worry in his voice? Like if Nishinoya was some stranger who he witnessed to fell on the street.
- Believe me, I am trying to not look at you! – The anger bubbled up like lava in the short male – Do you think I enjoyed watching you flirt? I really thought that I could manage this night, but you are here! Like this! And you are relaxed, and you are smiling and enjoying yourself, and... you look better than ever! Believe me, I don't want to look at you, but I can't forget everything just like you did with me! I am really sorry if my misery was distracting your flirting!
At the end he was nearly shouting, and somewhere inside, a little, unimportant part of him was happy for the music outside that have suppressed his voice.
The change on Asahi's face was obvious, and when he finally spoke up the restrained mettle was evident, triggering a cold shiver from Nishinoya's body.
- Why I am not surprised anymore? It looks like if you have drink enough alcohol than miraculously I become really important, enough for you to get jealous of a straight guy who was hitting on Mimi. Shame that you forget my existence as fast as you sober up...
- Are you kidding with me? – Nishinoya turned around to face the ace, more upset than he could remember that he ever was. Asahi have gone too far – I am not drunk! And I definitely wasn't drunk for a whole year when I was studying multiple times more and wrangle with my parents, just so I could go in Chiba for college, just so I had a chance to see you again! I fucked up, okay? I know it too well! But you have no fucking right to say that you wasn't important to me!
- I just came because I thought you're sick, but you are clearly not, so I will go now – Asahi replied with dark expression, turning around to leave.
No matter what, Noya was still faster than him, and he wasn't in a mood to think about what was he doing, so before he could notice himself moving he stood between Asahi and the exit, pushing the slightly open door to close with his full force.
- Hell NO! You are not going anywhere until you listen to me! The whole damn situation was because I know that you deserve better, that you are too strong, too kind, too handsome,... simply too good for a shrimp fagot like me, and Mimi, she... She matched you, it looked so natural, the whole situation...
Nishinoya had to stop in the middle of his monologue, irk knot was forming in his throat and an aching hollowness in his chest, that he would scratch out with his bare hands if it would help the unwelcomed desire that had numbed him. But now, he will tell everything, because most likely he will never have a chance to talk to Asahi again, and he had to know, he had to know everything.
- I am very, very sorry! Really... I never wanted to hurt you, but it was so painful to see, to think, that you was just playing around with me, I just wanted to escape. I don't expect you to understand, but please forgive me. I am an idiot, and I am sorry for ruining your night, I promise I will go home and never bother you again, but you had to know, that I am not a bad person, I was just afraid. Please, don't hate me... - now he was just ranting, unable to look at Asahi.
He didn't want to see the stupid distance on his face; he wanted to remember him like he was when he waited for him at the mornings, ruffled, sleepy and comforting, or when they prepared dinner together in small, heated kitchen.
The sudden movement in his way still startled him, but when the strong arms embraced him, pulling him so close to the muscular chest that he felt the warm skin across the shirt on his cheeks, the word stopped for him. For few seconds he was just standing there, but then his arms automatically returned the hug, his eyes shut, just enjoying the wanted touch on his skin while his breathing slowed down to normal. He didn't have a clue what happened, but he will gain every little drop of happiness from these moments before it ends.
His slim fingers get a hold of Asahi's white t-shirt, pulling him closer for a kiss. The spiker resisted for a little, just enough for Nishinoya to panic, that he ruined it again, but then Asahi leaned down and pressed his lips against his. Nishinoya's mouth slightly opened and a surprised voice escaped it, but it died away on Asahi's lips. It wasn't a big, passionate kiss, just tight hugs and lips pressed together with strength of emotions stifled for months.
Asahi was the one, who leaned back first.
- I am sorry, are you sure...? – He couldn't finish his question, because Nishinoya wasn't ready to let him go just yet, pulling him back into series of kisses again.
Asahi tasted like chocolate and menthol candy, his breath was hot against Nishinoya's lips and cheeks, his body a little sweaty from the party, but still perfect. In this moment everything seemed perfect for Nishinoya.
Asahi was holding the muscular, but still delicate body of his guardian deity with one hand, constantly pulling him closer and with other one dug into his hair at the back of his neck.
After a too short period of time Nishinoya slowly, but firmly backed away, breathing heavily. Damn, why he forget to take a breath? His forehead was leaning on Asahi's, refusing to be away more than necessarily.
For a few moments both of them were unable to open their eyes, fearing that maybe this is not the reality, and if they do it, than it all disappears.
When Nishinoya finally looked up his eyes were full of fear and badly suppressed hope.
- Are you... Are you drunk? Please tell me you know what you're doing right now, because I really... I really need you to want to do this, to know what are you doing – he was searching the other male's face with concern, looking with fear for a sign that he was in any kind of sedated condition.
- I am not drunk – he looked back at him seriously, but deep in his eyes there was some kind of a glint, that caused a warm feeling in the libero's body.
He hid his face in Asahi's shoulder, sniffing the familiar scent and trying to savor every moment.
- Sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm a moron. I ruined everything for us!
- Shh... Noya – the Asahi tried to comfort him, but the tears started to unstoppably coming from his eyes.
- You are crying... - Nishinoya reached up to brush away the wetness.
- Just... overwhelmed – he explained while he tried to wipe away evidence with one move, not successfully, but right now he didn't want to waist more time to them – Noya; I want you to pay attention to me now, okay? Are you listening?
He cupped Nishinoya's face to make him look at him. The short male answered with a nod, slightly biting on his already chopped lips. Asahi couldn't stand it anymore and pressed him again in a tight embrace.
- I don't want you to speak about yourself like you did before ever again. You're so strong, and beautiful and brave, and you mean so much more to me than words can explain. I was angry, and it hurt that you shat me out this easily. I was afraid that if I let you back you would do it again; I shouldn't have compared you to other people from my past. But you have to promise to not run away again but stay with me and listen to my side of the story every time in the future.
The arms around him pressed stronger, Nishinoya gave his every strength in it, to get as close as he could. It was a silent vow, they didn't needed words to understand it.
- Could this be a part where things get better? - He whispered quietly.
They stayed like this for long minutes, both of them afraid to break the moment. Nishinoya was on his tiptoes, clinging to Asahi's neck while the taller male was leaning down and planted gentle kisses on his forehead and hair.

Tanaka noticed Mimi talking to Sugawara on the other side of the room. The boy laughed loudly while the girl was expounding a story to him, with small giggles between words. Tanaka was watching as she brushed away the now short hair from her face. Fortunately (or not, considering where they could be or what they could do right now) the black haired boy, who drove Nishinoya crazy and Asahi both have disappeared somewhere.
- Yo! I am here – he jumped into the conversation with a grin, and then with flirty voice turned to face the girl – And what was your other two whishes?
- For him to be handsome and charming – she sighted following Tanaka in the imaginary situation, but easily turned down the (anyway little stupid) pick up line – But it looks like not all the wishes could come true.
Tanaka looked on her for a moment, considering if she is pissed off or just witty, but when he didn't find any evidence of anger he let himself laugh.
Yeah, Mimi was truly something unique, at least he thought this. She never gave in for those silly jokes, but always had a response without any serious offend. Not to mention the fact, that she was really beautiful too (Kiyoko was on the party too, and yet Tanaka is here, so that must mean something).
- Come on, Naomi-san! Marry me! – He shouted not even trying to suppress the boisterous energy coming from him.
- Tanaka, I think you are rushing it a little – Sugawara stopped the rapturous boy.
- True. But anyway I come here to ask where Asahi is, I wanted to talk to him about Yuu.
- He is gone to the bathroom for a while now, so he must come back really soon. But I don't think it is a good idea – the previous light conversation disappeared in no time, only seriousness was left in Naomi's voice.
- Asahi is in the bathroom? Yuu approximately twenty minutes ago locked himself in there, he was really upset, and he asked me to leave him alone a little to calm down.
All three faces have turned to jitter.
- Are you saying that Asahi went after Noya? – Sugawara asked while he became just a little too pale.
They were looking on each other for a moment, and then at once they turned around at started to nearly run in the way of the restroom.
- I spent weeks to repair the soul of this ungrateful boy! You can't even imagine what we went through!
- Wanna bet? / Try it with Asahi's glass heart– Mimi and Suga responded in sync.
- If they managed to hurt each other in those ten minutes again, I will beat them– Tanaka growled with his most frightening expression while he kicked in the door.
All three of them horned in the small entrance. The situation inside wasn't even near of what they were expecting.
Nishinoya was clinging on Asahi's neck, who held him close with both hands and protectively leaned down around him, like he never wanted him to let go.
The sudden noise made both of them look up, and jump away from each other. Asahi's eyes were red from crying, the color rushed to his face and he looked away shyly. Nishinoya just stood there bushed, looking on Asahi and their friends, seemingly uncomprehending what have just happened, his lips still swollen from kissing.
- That is not exactly what we expected – Sugawara's angel-like smile irradiated the small place, but it quickly turned to threatening – If you make each other cry once again because of your own stupidity it means the end for both of you.
It was even scarier when his face turned back to happy and innocent, almost motherly.
- Come on, there is still some cake!
- Yuu! What was this? – Tanaka poked his best friend between his ribs with a big smile, but Nishinoya was uncharacteristically quiet, just staring at Asahi, from who was radiating a definite cloud of anxiety and stress.
- Tanaka, you should rather come with me now- Mimi pulled the boy after herself to the exit, but she still managed to hit her housemate in the back with full force, making Asahi to do some wobbly steps in the way of Nishinoya, a silent order. 'Go talk to him'
- Are you still angry at me? – Nishinoya asked vaguely as soon as the door closed behind their friends.
- What? Uh... Of course not – Asahi fidgeted with the sleeve of his clothes.
- Than we are friends again? - there was hesitancy in the libero's voice.
- Friends? No... - Asahi froze his eyes strongly just on floor – We were never really friends. I can't be your friend, Noya, whenever you are around the only thing I can think about is kissing you, our touching you, do things with you. To you. After everything that happened, I can't go back to being your friend, I am sorry if you want that...
- I never wanted it....

A.N. : There is only 2 parts and an epilogue left